::love always conquers::

2010-01-01T22:57:00.001-05:00

lifeinthenarrowgate.blogspot.com

2009-02-16T15:55:00.003-05:00

"each one of us is a result of a thought of God; each is willed, each is loved and each is necessary."

pope benedict XVI

i have a list of goals that absolutely need to be accomplished before our son is born. at the top of the list is the cleaning of the death trap that is izzy's closet.

before we were married, i spent a weekend moving all of my stuff into ariel's place. at the time, most of it was just shoved into that closet, little did i know, never to be moved. my old desktop, a random collection of kitchen supplies, and all of the clothes that couldn't fit into the closet that we would share. when isabella was born, the mess was compounded with all of her stuff. and it really wasn't until i got pregnant again that my anxiety began to take over; how in the world am i gonna fit all of that junk in there? that's it, i thought, i'm gonna have to get rid of some of it. much easier said than done.

today i finally got through all of the rubbermaid containters. i threw most of it out - my 'shaken not stirred' coasters, phone numbers that have long since changed, endless notepads shaped like animals. right side of the closet, done.

as i started digging through the left side i found a pile of clothes that were always too big that are now too small. old jeans that i spent way too much money on, the suit i was wearing when i met ariel. the sea of clothes slowly began to part, and there they were, stuffed in between a coat and a pillow that always remided me of my best friend: my pink chuck taylors.

i bought them when i was 19 and wore them almost every day until i was 21. rain, sun or snow, didn't matter, i wore them. they had seen me through alot of changes, through multiple short term relationships, and through some amazing music. they went with almost everything in my closet, or so i rationalized. they were my favorite pair of shoes. ever.

but i outgrew them. i out-matured them. but i hung on to them for their nostalgic value. nina and i had drawn on them and written our favorite song lyrics on them, among which were, in true chuck taylor style, dashboard confessional. so kiss me hard, 'cause this will be the last time that i let you . . .

there was a day after we got married that i got them out of the closet, put them on and came downstairs, only to look my spouse right in the eye, immediately turn around and put them right back where they came from. he didn't have to say anything, i knew.

so today, i pulled them out, smiled a bit, and then put them in the bag marked, 'donate', making room for the babies both in the closet and in my heart.

i sure am happy that i saved a couple of the things that were always too big. because two of them fit now!

2009-02-02T18:01:00.002-05:00

to date, being a wife and a mother are the two biggest challenges i've ever tried to tackle. when i sat down to write this blog, i started to think of the phrase 'working mother'. it made me think that anyone who works outside of the home could give you a brief description of their job. . . 'i'm a nurse in the icu. i make rounds on the patients every couple of hours and address their needs. it's difficult at times, but it's pretty much the same thing every day.' . . . or 'i'm a janitor at a school, just cleaning up after the kids all day.' but how do you begin to describe what you do as a mother and a wife? when i first started staying home, ariel would come home and ask me what i did all day, and all i could do was stare at him because i couldn't think of one productive thing i had done that day, but i felt as though i had run a hundred miles.

i hate it when women say that they 'just' stay at home. 'i'm just a stay at home mom.' it makes me want to puke. i understand the feeling of wanting to apologize for not being able to contribute financially in a world that is run by money, but i believe firmly that if moms were paid for their jobs, we'd make more money than anyone else in the whole world. because it's not simply having babies and loving my husband . . .

it's sacrificing my own shower so that my husband can take one before we leave.
it's making sure the laundry is done.
it's planning far enough in advance to have the best dinners on the days that he works the hardest.
it's anticipating that the baby is going to cry before she does so that she never has to.
it's dusting and sweeping the floors.
it's cheering for the baby when she does anything at all.
it's reading to her even though she's can't understand it yet.
it's tivo-ing our favorite shows and not watching them until he gets home.

it's just a million little details that describe what i do for a living.

" evolution cannot be a possibility, because mothers still only have two hands " . . .

i went to an evening retreat recently and the priest was talking about how mothers are responsible for the spirituality of our families. he suggested that we form our children in two primary virtues; the male children in temperence, so that they learn self control from an early age, and the female children fortitude, so that when they become wives and mothers they can persist and persevere. i thought it was so interesting and so appropriate. because fortitude is the moral virtue that helps us acquire faith, which is the only thing that gets me through some days!

my babies are precious to me, they and my husband are the greatest joys in my life. nothing else seems to matter anymore . . .

2008-12-05T18:30:00.002-05:00

it's been so long since i blogged.

it's not that i don't have the time, i could make the time.

i don't really know where to begin - life is good.

izzy is my new buddy (not that i'm neglecting my parental duties, she just follows me all day and tries to do what i do). she watches me all day. i have to talk to her while i'm going to the bathroom (with the door open) so that she stops crying and realizes that i didn't leave her. we started her on solids and so my days consist of figuring out what to feed both her and my husband and then cleaning up after both of them =)

ariel had a pretty jacked up schedule last month, and this month doesn't look much better - but it just makes me so thankful that i'm home and not working because if i was working we would never ever see each other.

being at home is tough. it's really a challenge for me, perhaps because i'm pregnant and taking care of a 6 month old. my body is so tired, sometimes i don't even feel safe driving because i feel like i'm going to fall asleep. my body didn't really have a chance to return to a semblance of normalcy before getting pregnant again. but i praise God every day for the new life that is sprouting up inside of me - ariel and i don't deserve such wonderful, beautiful, perfect babies.

so for now, that sums it up.

i'm pregnant again. and so i'm very very tired. and not always in the best of moods.
i miss my friends terribly.
i love my babies more than anything.
except my husband, who really has my whole heart.
being a full time mom is way harder than i had anticipated.
i can't wait for izzy's first christmas.

2008-09-18T13:14:00.002-05:00

"now here’s the sun come to dry the rain
warm my shoulders and relieve my pain."

i'd rather be with you, joshua radin

i want to be healthy for my baby. but it's becoming increasingly difficult. the heavier she gets, the worse my pain is. long days have always left me in alot of pain, but now every day at around 3 in the afternoon, i feel like i can't finish the day.

pain is a funny thing; it's often hard to explain and as a result it is hard to understand. when i had izzy, they gave me anesthetic to numb the lower half of my body before the c-section. and that was the first time in 11 years that i've been pain-free - and it was awesome. and because it's hard for me to describe what the pain feels like or what it does to me, i put my efforts into describing what it was like to feel no pain at all. free. ecstatic. awesome.

mentally, pain is even more intense than it is physically. it's the ultimate 'mind over matter', trying to force your body to do something that it feels like it can't do, which most people have to do a couple of times in their lifetime; long distance running, carrying something heavy while moving . . . but when you have chronic pain, it's an every single day occurance. it gets old.

the most pain i've felt recently is from a compression fracture in my spine that is between my shoulder blades. compression fractures are frequently seen in women who are over 50, as they are commonly a result of osteoperossis. *sigh* it's completely abnormal for someone my age, which says to me that it was hand-picked for me. but at this point i'm feeling that i can't handle it the way i'd like to because the pain is just too much to handle. i've found myself laughing at the phrase, "God doesn't give you any more than you can take", because this feels like more than i can take. and i try to offer up the pain for different intentions, which for me means not allowing anyone to know how much pain i'm in. because it's a greater sacrifice that way. but there has been a point every single day during the past two weeks where i say, "i can't. i can't do it anymore. and i can't offer it up." i hate it because i think of all of the intentions that i have. . . . so much to pray for and so little time.

when i was a little girl, i read a book full of stories about martyrs. it was so impressive to me. and there was a statement in that book that has stayed with me ever since: "martyrs are revered because they proved their great love of God in the most extreme way possible; by dying for Him." and after reading that i prayed, Lord, let me be a martyr. let me prove my love for You by dying for You. that was when i was 12 years old. providentially, that was the year that my pain started.

so i guess He gave me my martyrdom. and i have to take it as a challenge for me to prove with my heart what i speak with my lips. and from here on out that means calcium, pain meds and prayer. lots of prayer.

2008-09-02T18:27:00.002-05:00

the best way out is always through.
- robert frost

i have never ever had to work hard to lose weight. in fact, now that i'm sitting here thinking about it, i haven't really had to work hard for things that most people struggle to attain. that fact is a blessing, although it doesn't mean that i've had an easy life.

never once have i struggled with any type of weight issue, and for that i'm grateful. i know too many women who have felt the pressure of the world deeply, the pressure that makes them hate the body that they've been given and feel trapped by it. i understand their struggle in a sympathetic sense because of my loved ones who have been affected by it, but i have no personal sense of it.

i'm not trying to lose weight for anybody else but myself. i want to be able to say that i'm back to my wedding weight. i want to know that i'm capable of working my butt off to stay in shape. ariel couldn't care less, but i know he'll appreciate it. my friends love me regardless. and the world can kiss my oversized butt. i want to exercise my self control, i want to be healthy for my children and i want to have a higher energy level.

i gained 45 lbs during my pregnancy. and 12 weeks later, i've shed all but 10 of it. but this last 10 lbs is killing me. and i'd like to say, 'no matter how hard i work for it . . .', but that wouldn't be true. because i'm not really working for it at all. well not until last week.

one of my friends doesn't eat any fried food or chocolate, among other things, to stay in shape.

i gave up fried food for three days, just to see how effective it is; i lost 4 lbs. which put me at 10 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight.

so here are my resolutions to get rid of this pain-in-the-ass 10 lbs:

1. eat two small meals and one larger one per day.
2. drink lots of water.
3. walk four times a week for at least 30 mins. shopping doesn't count. neither does cleaning.
4. fried food once a week. (hey, rome wasn't built in a day)

because there isn't a way out of this but to go right through it, and to work my butt off for it.

2008-08-20T08:59:00.002-05:00

i am madly in love with my daughter.

she's just perfect, every single little thing about her. physically, she is so beautiful. i still shake my head and wonder where she came from, how something so perfect and amazing grew inside of me, and came from me. she's looking at me right now from her bouncy chair (thanks ellen!), her big brown eyes seem to be hanging on my every movement. and i'll do absolutely anything to see that gummy smile.

she got her first pictures taken last week, and there were a few times that i looked up at the screen in olan mills and thought, for a split second, that i saw myself in her. eyes that seem a little bit too big for her head (don't worry, izzy! you'll grow into them!), perfect circle-shaped head . . . chills. and what is striking to me is what a gift she is, in so many ways. she has blessed our marriage, blessed our home, blessed our thoughts and actions . . . i know that God has so much purpose for her. one purpose, perhaps, that has been provoking my thoughts lately is that maybe the Lord sent izzy to me to show me how precious i was. life can be the greatest adventure and the greatest heartbreak all at once; and i think i get caught up easily in letting whatever happens to me define my worth. and as a woman i think it's especially easy to take everything out silently on yourself. i'm not good enough. i'm not pretty enough. i'm not kind enough. but the reality is, as i see it in my daughter, i am the best gift that anyone could ever have received. i'm the most beautiful girl in the whole world. and no matter how much i fuss and cry, i'm a really nice person. and for me, it's just been an intimate, take-a-look-at-yourself-under-a-microscope experience that hasn't resulted in self-criticism. and at this point it's not as much of an ego boost as it is an observation. and maybe that's one reason i wanted a boy so badly, because on some sub-conscious level, i knew that having a girl would end up making me take a long hard look at myself, and i wasn't up for that.

ariel and i were talking the other day about protecting her. i think the best way to protect her is to arm her with knowledge. but how do i do that without over-informing her? common sense goes a long way. but how do i explain men to her? luckily, her daddy is exactly the kind of man i'd want for her. he's not perfect, but he has done so much in the right way. so i can always point to him, which is really a dream come true for a mama raising a daughter. i guess it comes down to the fact that i want her to learn from my mistakes. so right now i'm going to build a relationship of trust with her so that she'll trust what i tell her in the end. but for today, i just keep losing sleep over how i'm going to tell her that things are not always what they seem . . .

my first anniversary is coming up. seems like we've changed so much since then. one thing's for sure; i'm right where i'm supposed to be.

Lord, teach me to know You, so that in knowing You, i will love You, and that in loving You, i will serve You, and that in serving You, i will glorify Your name.

2008-08-04T08:17:00.002-05:00

stop this train
i wanna get off and go home again
i can't take the speed it's moving in
i know i can't
but honestly won't someone stop this train

john mayer, stop this train

my life is moving too quickly. even the moments where i stop and breathe slowly and deeply feel like everything stops, but it doesn't slow it down.

what i wouldn't give for minutes to last 90 seconds instead of 60, and for a day to go on for 36 hours instead of just 24.

i haven't loved enough. and today, i've only got 14 more hours to do it.

2008-06-29T08:22:00.002-05:00

"a baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for."

this was my first week at home by myself with izzy.
based on this past week, this is my wish list addressed to God for the years ahead.

1. longer arms
2. miraculously appearing diaper rags all over the house.
3. no lawn mowers, trash guys, trains, factories or anything else that makes loud noises.
4. ariel to be employed by a place that makes him sleep/relax at work so he is not just as tired as me when he comes home.
5. wind up toys that sing longer than 30 seconds. a 30 minute wind up toy would be great.
6. the ability to pick stuff up off the floor with my feet while holding a sleeping baby.
7. a finger to keep the paci in izzy's mouth. at all times.
8. x-ray vision to see through the diaper when she's done.
9. a third arm.
10. the invention of a drive thru grocery that just carries essentials. and included among those essentials should be ice cream.

2008-06-19T08:23:00.002-05:00

my little girl is out in the living room right now with her grandma getting her diaper changed. and she has the hiccups, which she gets about five times a day. but she never cries, she's really patient with them.

i feel like i'm having an amazing recovery, considering that my abdomen was cut open and then sewn back together a week ago. the pain is minimal, the worst pain i had was in the hospital when my uterus was contracting back to a smaller size. well, and the cath - it wasn't so much painful as it was SO uncomfortable. but that was the best part about having a spinal for the c section, because once it started working, i couldn't feel anything from the chest down - including the cath. =)

my ob doc did sutures instead of staples, so it looks nicer. right now it just looks like a purple line with a little bit of red around it.

it's funny, a year ago, if someone would have told me how many people would see me naked on the day my baby was born, it might have been enough for me to have second thoughts about having kids so quickly. but on that day, i couldn't care less. partially because i couldn't wait to not be pregnant anymore, but mostly because i was so overjoyed at having just given birth to my little girl.

my relationship with ariel seems to have become more simple. it's amazing, you would think a baby would complicate things more, but it seems to me that when i see ariel loving izzy so much, i feel loved by him as well. and he does love her - sooooo much. and she loves her daddy, especially at the 10pm to midnight shift. i tried to hold her last night and get her to sleep, but she wouldn't have it. so i handed her off to ariel and she just sat in his arms and stared at him. so precious. i always told ariel that babies like him because he has such a calm sounding voice. for whatever reason, izzy LOVES her daddy. and i do too.

ariel's graduation is tomorrow, although he still has another month and a half until he's actually done. i'm so proud of all the hard work he has put into this. and i'm happy for him that his wife and new born baby will be there to support him.

it's 9:30 in the morning and i should go - my life revolves around my boobs now. uhh i mean my baby. who sees me as a pair of boobs.

2008-06-19T08:22:00.000-05:00

check it out

tinyizzyg.blogspot.com

2008-05-29T10:38:00.003-05:00

last night ariel was carrying the baby's dresser from the car up to her room.

he got it out of the trunk, and manuevered it to the landing.

"babe!"

i rolled my eyes. i hope he doesn't think that i'm coming down there to help him carry that thing up the stairs.

i chose to pretend like i didn't hear him.

"babe! i need your help!"

*sigh*

"sweetie," i said kindly (i was actually surprised at how kind it sounded) as i got up from my seat and made my way over to the stairs, "i'm not sure how much i can help you."

and then my husband said the most honest thing i've ever heard him say.

"just cheer me on!"

=)

gas to pick up dresser = $20
ice cream for family who don't want money for dresser = $20
ariel shamlessly asking me to be proud of him = priceless

2008-05-20T18:01:00.002-05:00

Everyday
Everyday
Everyday you save my life

Sometimes I swear I don’t know if I’m coming or going
But you always say something without even knowing
That I’m hanging on to your words with all of my might
And it’s alright, yeah I'm alright for one more night

Everyday
Everyday
Everyday
Everyday
Everyday
Everyday
Everyday you save me
You save me

i love my husband.
i love our little family.
my husband and my daughter are bringing new meaning to my life every single day.
i really don't know where i'd be without either one of them.
ariel knows my heart, and he takes better care of me than anyone ever has.
and our love incarnate, our little baby, is the most precious gift i've ever been given.
i'm a really lucky woman.

2008-05-14T22:17:00.002-05:00

i. am. exausted.

baby has been making a habit of waking up at midnight and not sleeping until three. then she wakes again at five or so and is awake for another two hours. at around 10 she gets the hiccups. if i lay on one side, she kicks because that's the side her legs are on and i'm squishing them. if i lay on the other side, she kicks because she has so much room on the other side. (i have to invent reasons for her kicking. otherwise i get annoyed.) even when ariel is home and he puts his hand on my belly, he can't believe how strongly she kicks now. it's borderline painful. what is really painful are the contractions that i've had at night if i've been too active during the day. and i secretly hope every time they come that it will be the night that the baby is born. but i'm still pregnant. *sigh*

i miss ariel.
i wish the weather would clear up. although it is nice sleeping weather.
i want a drive thru grocery that sells just the essentials. including ice cream.
i miss my family.
i feel like i'm at a transitional point in my life that hasn't quite begun yet but that i have to prepare myself for now because i don't really know when it's coming.
i feel alot older than i am; but i'm hoping that my body will remember that it's only 23 when the baby comes, hopefully it will make it easier to get back into shape.

this change is completely different than when i got married. it feels more life changing. it's intimidating. and it's upon ariel and i now.

*sigh* baby has the hiccups. i'm telling her to hold her breath, but it's not working =)

2008-05-05T19:39:00.002-05:00

today is the anniversary of my first date with ariel. =)

it's so funny to remember a time when we barely knew each other.

we were both afraid to let the other hear us pee so we would turn on the fan.
my face would turn bright red every time that he kissed me.
we emailed each other every single day.

but i knew that i loved him almost right away. i have never met any man who is so kind and gentle and sweet, and still strong and convicted and masculine. i knew that i wanted him to be the father of my children. i knew he would fit in perfectly with my family. i knew that i would do absolutely anything for him.

funny to think that our future is so uncertain now, but is so well planned. we had no idea what was in store for us, but looking back, every single step had been carefully watched and carefully planned by the Lord.

may 2006. first date.
december 2006. engaged.
september 2007. married.
september 2007. pregnant.
june 2008. baby.

makes me wonder what else is in store . . .

2008-04-28T06:52:00.002-05:00

i'm sitting in the baby's room right now.

it's done. and my baby is coming soon.

i can't really imagine how much our life is going to change in the next month. i try to imagine a sweet little face looking up at me from the crib, i try to imagine hearing the soft cries and being one of two people who can stop it. but i really can't. i really can't imagine it all.

but the time is flying and the baby will be here sooner than we think.

getting married and having babies is the best adventure that i've ever been a part of. and i really can't wait to have our little one in our arms.

2008-04-07T07:22:00.002-05:00

i arise today
through a mighty strength,
the invocation of the Trinity,
through belief in the threeness,
confession in the oneness
of the Creator of all creation.

st. patrick's breastplate

it's infrequent that i decided to take the long way home.
gas prices, car mileage . . .
but last night i decided to.
here's what's on my mind . . .

spring is symbolically a season of prayers answered, promises kept. one of my prayers this winter has been that my mind and soul be led out of darkness - so much good has happened to me in the past 8 months. marriage, job, baby . . . but i still feel distant from the Lord. i thought up until these past few days that i was just trying to adjust to a new type of spiritual life as a married woman. now i'm confused . . .

the Lord has always made Himself close to me with His physical and spiritual cross. it is a constant in my life, something that i know i depend on in order to stay close to His heart. but recently, the crosses have been different, huge bursts of anxiety and stress caused by external material occurences that only last a few days and then it's back to blessing. abundant blessings.

maybe Jesus is loving me in a different way now, with blessings instead of crosses. i know it might sound foolish, but i don't know how to respond to so many blessings . . . i feel ungrateful. i know i don't deserve the things He is blessing me with. and i have so much more than most people i know. but i feel like i am taking it all for granted. . . and that maybe if i had more suffering, i would appreciate the blessing more.

wow. that sounds so backwards.
'give me more suffering because i'm not content with all of the blessings.'

i wonder what He is teaching me through this way of loving me.
i hate it that my mind is so feeble and incapable of understanding His ways.
i know He is preparing me for something.
i can hear Him calling me closer to Himself.

teach me to walk by faith and not by sight . . .

i arise today
through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me . . .

2008-03-24T13:07:00.002-05:00

all your stormy words have barely broken
and you sound like thunder though you've barely spoken
oh, it looks like rain tonight and thank God
'cause a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.

come round soon, sara bareilles

*sigh*

i don't know how to start this post.

ariel's dad is . . . . okay. still in the nicu. this has been a week of one thing right after another with him. they operated, he didn't get better, they operated again, he got a little better but started having seizures . . . so now he's sedated to stop the seizures, which makes it difficult to understand if he's had any progress. needless to say, it's going to be a very long rehabilitation process.

there aren't really words to describe the emotions that filled this past week. personally, i feel like i could break down and cry my eyes out at any second - not as much because of a personal attachment to ariel's dad - partly because of the stress and lack of sleep - but i think mostly because of having to see ariel go through all of this and knowing that there's nothing that i could say or do that would make it better.

i'm really proud of us. i have always wondered how we would handle these types of situations, and i'm proud to say that we were really able to be partners. no fighting, no frustration with each other, just love, sacrificing every little thing possible for one another. i am so thankful for ariel and isabella. this week was another reminder to me of God being the Author of the story of our love for one another - i know that i'm with who i was meant to be with.

still pondering the significance of this all happening during holy week.
still attempting to plan what more we can do to help.
accepting the irony but hoping that it ends here.

hands down, this is overall the most stressful time i've gone through. because there is so much going on that is having to take a back seat. because isabella is coming in a little over two months. because beaumont is taking their sweet time. because gas is so expensive. because my body is beginning to ache more. . .

holy God, holy mighty One, holy immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world . . .

2008-03-10T07:32:00.002-05:00

top ten favorite things about family coming to visit this weekend:

10. having to get chairs from the garage so we can all fit around the table.
9. our new piano being played by the little ones.
8. my family not knowing that it took us a week to clean up enough for them to come over.
7. getting to say, 'this is my house, i make the rules. so get the food out of the living room.' =)
6. hearing anna mary say, 'kelly, why does ariel love us so much?'
5. cooking for 8.
4. my mom making me a birthday cake.
3. seeing my husband talking things over with my dad.
2. waking up to four smiling faces in the living room.
1. having a house that is full of laughter and enough love for the whole world.

we leave for denver tomorrow . . .

2008-03-04T13:05:00.002-05:00

"are you working on your birthday?" one of my coworkers asked me.

"yeah."

she was shocked. "why would you do that?"

"linda," i said, "my birthday stopped being exciting when i was like 12."

she smirked. (i hate it when people do that) "ha, well you think that now, just wait until you get older, then you'll want to take the day off, you'll want people to make it a big deal. you're young, that's why you think that."

no, i thought to myself. i don't think that because i'm young. i think that because the world doesn't stop just because it's the anniversary of the day i was born. after all, it doesn't revolve around me. and if you knew me at all, you'd know that i don't really like it at all when people make a big deal out of my birthday. it's just not me.

a little while later we got to talking about religion. *sigh*

i said, "well i just think that if the decision to have my child baptized was an educated one, it would help to prevent my child from falling outside of the baptismal comittment. i mean, baptism is a life-altering choice, and if i choose to make that for my child, then i should know what i'm committing to."

"do you really think that baptism changes your life?" now she was borderline condescending.

"yes i do."

smirked again. "ha, you think that because you're young. you'll change your mind once you've lived a bit more."

my blood was boiling. really? i thought almost outloud. you have to be a certain age to understand baptism? lady, you've got no clue . . . your logic doesn't even make sense.

i guess i just wish that people wouldn't misunderstand me because of my age. 'aren't you too young to get married?' 'wow, you're way too young to start a family.' 'you think you're invincible because you're young.' 'but you're so young, why don't you go out and party more?' blah blah blah . . . . surprisingly, the way that i reason has very little to do with how old i am. because i don't reason the way that a 'typical' 22 year old reasons. when will age be just a number?

i guess 23 is no more credible than 22. . .

2008-02-15T08:17:00.002-05:00

i walked into work yesterday wearing my red sweater that i can't zip anymore because my belly is too big. this is the extent of my celebration of valentine's day, i said to myself.

ooooooh, the newlyweds must have some special things going on tonight!, everyone was saying.

not really, i replied. it's just that we've only been married for 5 1/2 months and my husband is so romantic all the time that valentine's day isn't anything special. so my red sweater is the extent of my celebration.

and it's true. when you're married to someone who does nice things for you all the time, valentine's day is just like any other day.

besides, i kept saying, don't you think it's all a bit too commercial?

around 11:30 my cell rang, ariel was at the front desk ready to pick me up for lunch (he had the morning off). i get my stuff together, walk down the hallway and turn to the front desk to find my handsome husband standing there with a dozen roses and some chocolate. happy valentine's day, sweetie.

so i scratch my head and think, how did i get so lucky . . .

2008-02-12T13:57:00.000-05:00

this week the trend
was to borrow all the strength that you could lend
to keep my head above the water and not descend
back to where i said i'd never go again

this week the trend, relient k

so far this week the trend has been . . . warm fuzzy feelings.

sunday night we got to see baby owen! he's so precious, so tiny. when babies are that size, absolutely everything about them is fascinating to me. i could sit there holding him and just stare . . . it was a perfect way to begin our week. anna and eric asked ariel to be the godfather =) and he is soooo excited. and i'm excited too, another little one in our life that will be so special to us both. we love that family so much . . .

monday was a crazy day at work - meetings, paperwork, lists as long as i am tall . . . so it was a good thing that in the morning before i left home, ariel and i cuddled before we got out of bed. i think that it's a good thing for ariel that i'm pregnant because i want to cuddle all the time. he took another shift for bob, whose grandfather died yesterday. so ariel wasn't supposed to get home until 10:30, but he got off early and was home at 8:30. we had hotdogs for dinner and then we went to bed. it was a great night.

and today . . . ariel didn't have to be in to work until 8:30 so we could cuddle again. i did laundry last night so all of my maternity clothes are clean. i rocked my volunteer managment meeting this morning. my girl scout cookies aren't in yet, but that will just make them taste sweeter when they do come in. ariel and i get off at the same time so we'll be able to sit down to dinner together. aaaaaaand american idol is on tonight.

warm fuzzy feelings . . .

2008-01-21T16:29:00.000-05:00

but i always think that the best way to know God is to love many things.

vincent van gogh

new year's resolutions:

1. pray more, especially in adoration.
2. cook at home more often.
3. drink more water.
4. learn to see Jesus in people that annoy me.
5. become more flexible with my time.
6. love more, and deeper, especially Jesus.
7. read 10 books.
8. sing more, even if it's just at home.
9. keep up with the laundry.
10. hug ariel more often.

2008-01-19T19:30:00.000-05:00

this was one of the longest weeks of my life.

i miss my husband. we barely saw each other this week. and it was one of those weeks that we needed to see each other to get through it.

we set the c-section date for june 10th. ariel's brother is getting married on june 7th. the c-section is actually only one week early. and that makes me a little nervous. if the baby came today, i would be okay with that. it's just that my body doesn't do what it should. and so i get nervous.

work is . . . . stressful. really stressful.

the baby is getting alot bigger and we're anxious for ariel to be able to feel it move, as i can feel the baby moving more and more every day.

we're stressing out majorly about where ariel is going to work after he is done in august. we have good options, but it's such a huge decision. and there's so much involved.

my clothes don't fit. i feel like a snowman - round all over the middle, a huge belly and huge boobs and tiny sticks for arms and legs. i feel like i look funny. but people just keep saying, 'oh, you're soooo cute. cute cute cute'. and that word doesn't make me very happy. maybe it's just that i'm not myself.

and i think i ate my entire weight this week. i was 110 when we got married. a week ago i was 114. today i am 118. four more pounds, and i will weigh more than i have ever weighed in my whole life.

i can't wait to go to colorado with ariel. i haven't been there in a very long time.

and i'm sooooo happy that the nausea is over. now if only i could fight this pain and fatigue . . . .

2008-01-09T15:03:00.000-05:00

and now i'm sunny with a high of 75
since you took my heavy heart and made it light

high of 75, relient k

ariel and i went shopping last night for a few big belly clothes. i ended up getting a pair of leggings and three jersey dresses, which i would never wear in my normal life. but the cute clothes that i want aren't comfy and are really expensive for pregnant women, so jersey dresses and leggings it is.

it made me a little sad to see that my boobs and belly are too big for normal clothes. in fact, my boobs and belly are too big for my body. *shrugs* maybe my idea of physical beauty has to evolve. . .

i'm feeling alot better, no nausea and it's been almost a week since the last time i puked. alot of increased back pain, i think it's due to the growth in my ligaments, since i've only gained a few pounds. the baby is moving alot, and it waved to us and opened it's mouth a few times in the last ultrasound we had, which was so cute!

three more weeks and we'll be half way done with this pregnancy. i'm going to be a mom.

2007-12-31T13:47:00.000-05:00

sometimes i don't know how my job would ever function without me there. maybe it's because i work with alot of women who can't ever seem to make up their minds about anything. it gets old.

i had implemented as many organizational techniques that i could think of before i left on my vacation for the holidays, and cleaning up the mistakes while dealing with current patient issues has been . . . stressful, to say the least. let's order the patient's equipment this way, let's cut out the middle man and do this ourselves, all paperwork is to be turned in in alphabetical order . . .

and so i'm really patting myself on the back today because when i came into the office this morning expecting to be up to my huge belly in paperwork, i was pleasantly surprised to find only 48 hours worth of paperwork and reporting on my desk. my ideas are effective, and that makes me happy. most especially because it's a part of pre-pregnancy me that is still around.

speaking of pre-pregnancy me, i think i might just be getting over this whole morning sickness thing. i'm going on a few days now with no puking, and although i've been nauseated all day still, i'm eating and keeping things down with no meds! i'm gaining belly weight and it's making my back hurt, but i'm much more accustomed to that than i am to puking.

i'm pumped because we're having mike and bekah over to celebrate new year's! and they're spending the night which they can do now because they're married! and ariel and i are going all out - we're making our favorite foods, we cleaned our place, we even thought about buying a wii. well, what really happened is that in preparing for mike and bekah to come, ariel and i realized how boring we are. we have nothing fun at all. so we're trying to be more fun. i'll let you know how that goes. but we're excited. it's the first time we've had people over since we got married, so it's a happy day!

i'm also pumped because one of my college roomies is getting married in march and ariel said that i could go by myself! which translates to going with nina! it should be really fun, i'll appreciate the time away and the good company. i think she'll have fun too ; )

the baby is moving all the time now and i think my belly is getting bigger every day. we went to mass at angry God the Father yesterday and when i knelt down for communion the priest gave me communion and then said, 'you're expecting a baby?' my heart lept, i nodded. 'may God bless you as you grow, little baby.' so when we left mass, ariel said, 'awww, our baby had it's first blessing!' and i said, 'awww, my belly must be so big now for him to have noticed!'

2007-12-21T13:33:00.000-05:00

things that cross my mind daily now that i'm going to be a mom:

1. please stop kicking me.
2. i am still cool. just like a single person. from behind.
3. this plain bagel with no cream cheese or butter is the best thing i've ever tasted.
4. boy? or girl?
5. the meeting is longer than an hour? is there a bathroom nearby?
6. i love my husband.
7. only threw up five times. it's been a great day.

this week the baby started getting it's nourishment from the placenta. and sometimes i literally feel like the baby is sucking out all of my energy. because i eat pretty much all day and i still have no energy.

i think there's a reason that it takes nine-ish months for the baby to be born, because i feel like i need that amount of time to prepare to be a mom. i feel like i've already identified with that aspect of my life, and i've left the non-mom behind. which has changed the way that i look at so many things. more on that later . . . .

ariel is so excited for our first christmas. he's so cute, he's got something really wonderful planned for me and he's really proud of himself. i can't wait to see what it is!

as for me, i've not had the energy to prepare for this christmas, it's kind of thrown together, which i hate, but it's what i've got. presents are not wrapped, i'm not even totally done shopping . . . i'm just so tired. and puking doesn't make it easy either. but i'm really looking forward to the 23rd, ariel and i are having our own christmas on that day because we'll be travelling all of the other days.

merry christmas to everyone! we love you all and we've been so blessed by your love and friendship this year! may God bless you abundantly in the new year!

2007-12-17T12:57:00.000-05:00

i will be weak, unable to speak,
still i will call You by name
"Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,
Lord and King, Beginning and the End,
I am."

i am, nicole nordeman

we went to another one of gary's retreats this weekend. it was a little like pulling teeth to get ariel to go, he had underestimated his own tambourine skills and also how much we needed him in our band. ironically, once we were there, he said, 'kelly, i just don't want to leave this place.' =)

two of my favorite things about bethany house; there are no clocks on the wall, and Jesus is everywhere. you really can't avoid him when you're there.

ariel rediscovered his faith and trust in the Lord this weekend. it's funny, every time we go there, we're giving of our time, giving of our talents; but each one of us really ends up being blessed a hundred fold in return.

one part keeps coming back to my mind. a huge theme in the theology of the body is the human person as gift. so the leaders had asked the parents to write their kid a letter expressing just how much of a gift that child had been in their lives. all of the kids read their letters quietly right before adoration, some of them cried, some of them just smiled to themselves.

and the scene that played over in my mind as they were all reading was ariel and i seeing our little baby for the first time, and then going back in a few weeks and seeing how much the baby had grown . . .

and i was looking at the kids reading their letters and i said to them in my mind, each one of you will never know just how precious you are, how beautiful you are, how priceless and irreplacable you are. you are the greatest blessing that your parents ever received.

because that's how i feel about this baby - i can sit around all day and tell you how much it sucks being pregnant, that it's not the best experience and i haven't loved every minute of it. i'm uncomfortable, i don't feel like myself and most of all i'm exausted. but i love this baby. i love this baby so much that nothing that it could ever do would make me stop loving it. ever. i think that the Lord gave us a baby so quickly in our marriage so that we would continue to center our marriage on Him and His mission for us, and also to learn a new kind of love. and for that, we are so grateful! who are we, to become co-creators with Him?

precious, sweet little baby,

you are a blessing. you are the greatest gift that the Lord has ever given your daddy and me. and we love you, more than you'll ever comprehend. we love you this much even though we haven't met you yet. you have given a new sense of meaning to our lives, and you have already brought us more joy than we had ever expected.

so thank you, for being a beautiful, unexpected gift to us. and know while you're swimming around safely inside of me that since the day that we knew you existed until forever, we will be loving you and praying for you.

2007-12-10T15:35:00.000-05:00

ariel and i had a pretty great weekend.

saturday night we went to a staff christmas party for the doc that he moonlights for. they were giving away cash prizes for the games, and between the two of us, we won a lot of money! free money!

then on sunday we went to lowe's and bought our very own first christmas tree. we didn't buy enough lights, so i have to go and get some more, but it looks so nice. and it smells great. and i think ariel really likes it. =)

we just relaxed and watched football, went to an early mass, ate ramen, cuddled. it was really nice. i miss my husband so much, he works alot and i do too, so when we get to relax it really means alot to us.

someone at the christmas party told me that she could tell that i was pregnant because my face is getting fat. =( i very quickly convinced myself that no other part of me was growing except for my belly. and my boobs.

2007-12-06T08:41:00.000-05:00

they will see us waving from such great heights

'come down now', they'll say

but everything looks perfect from far away

'come down now', but we'll stay.

that was the song that was replaying in my head when i was trying to get to sleep last night.

when i lived in rhode island, i had some trouble falling asleep. i would lay in my bed, on my back, with my eyes open and listen to the sounds around me. directly behind our plot of land was half a mile of woods, and then the beach. the ocean wasn't close enough that i could hear it from my bed, but i could feel it, and smell it. almost year round, i slept with my window open. but there was a family of wild turkeys that lived in the woods behind our house that made me shut the window every once in a while.

we went to bed around 9:30 and woke up around 6. we had a half hour to shower, make our beds and we had to be in chapel at 6:30. i was always first shower because i was one of the fastest to get ready. i was usually in the chapel at 6:15. morning meditation for an hour, mass and then breakfast, which was my favorite meal when i lived in rhode island. eggs, fruit, coffee, milk, orange juice . . . and bagels. i had a bagel with every single meal i ate there. we made friends with a little jewish lady that owned a bagel shop in narraganset beach. she gave us her left over bagels every single day, bag after bag of every type of bagel you could think of. so we lived off of them.

i always get nostalgic about the pc this time of year. maybe it's because my christmas' there were my best ever. no materialism, no rushing around, no packed schedules. just me and Jesus, the way it was meant to be.

but mostly, i just couldn't sleep last night. and everytime that i think about my memories from that place, i remember that every single memory that i have from that place made me who i am today. i really think that the pc was my first love.

i wonder what our baby's first love will be . . . . . .

2007-12-04T15:00:00.000-05:00

reasons i had a good day today;

1. i got to drink a bolthouse farms mango lemonade. mmmmmmm.
2. two of my patients died, but three new ones signed on.
3. the baby is growing. and getting hungry. silly baby, i can't eat when i'm puking!
4. we got a crib for the baby from the agustins. and we'll make sure to get good use out of it =)
5. ariel and i are in love with each other.
6. because my office is so cold, the Lord let the sun shine only in the afternoon so it would warm me up.
7. i am going to have another ultrasound tonight. i can't wait to see how much s/he's grown!
8. i have been craving soft serve ice cream. what a great craving. =)
9. i get a whole week off at christmas time.
10. this saturday is the first anniversary of our engagement.

OMG! i can't believe that we were engaged a year ago! so that means that this was the time last year that i was thinking, 'he doesn't want to marry me. he has the ring (i think) and he just doesn't want to give it to me. he's having second thoughts. ariel! what's the problem? is everything okay?' =)

2007-11-29T11:43:00.000-05:00

o God of love, creator of life, hear our prayer. grant us the fulfillment of our dreams, a baby to cherish and protect, a child to teach and guide, a blessing to our family. amen.

so i've been thinking lately about what our baby will be like. i think it's the hardest thing in the world to imagine what your first unborn child will look like. so i gave up on that.

now i'm thinking about what kind of personalities they will have. even ariel and i were talking about it last night at dinner; which of our kids will be adventurous like him, riding roller coasters and jumping off of the stairs . . . and which will be more like their mommy, cautious, and much more likely to be found on the swings or the teacups.

and i know that children learn their behavior from their parents; i take after my dad's personality and ariel is just like his dad.

between the two of us, i hope that most of our babies turn out to be more like their daddy. ariel has such a nice personality, he's so sweet - i mean sometimes i can't stand it - he's sincere, genuine and happy-go-lucky. he's cuddly and loving ALL THE TIME. he likes to be together, he always thinks of my needs first. perfect, right?

when we went home to chicago this past weekend, my mom got out my baby book and we were reading it. first month was great, i was cute and nice and whatever. but already by six months old, i didn't want to be cuddled anymore and i was active all the time. when i was a year old i was already bossing people around and trying to do everything by myself. by the time i was two, i was doing everything by myself. i didn't need help and i didn't want it.

so along with 'dear Lord, let my baby be healthy' and 'thank you for the new life inside of me' i have now added the following prayer;

'dear Jesus, please don't let my kids have my personality. i would be okay if you blessed me with a child that had parts of mine and parts of ariel's, or a child that was just exactly like ariel. but just like me? let's not push it. thy will be done.'

but i'm afraid that my baby already has an attitude problem. otherwise why would i still be so sick all the time? *sigh*

ironically, i enjoy surrounding myself with people who have the type of personality that my husband has. this was most evident to me when we took our trip to florida in april. and there they were, my husband and my best friend, jumping around in the ocean, trying to catch fish with their bare hands. this entertained them for about 30 minutes while i sat on the beach and rolled my eyes. i love my life.

2007-11-28T15:29:00.000-05:00

my coworker didn't come into the office until 3pm today.

it's because she was with her dad, who is still undergoing chemo.

fourth stage lung cancer, mets to the colon, kidneys and bones.

she came in and i ran into her in the kitchen. we chatted for a minute on the walk back to the office and as soon as we got into her office, i closed the door and said, 'so, how is he doing?'

she paused for a minute, and then said, 'let me put it this way. i asked him what he wanted for christmas, and he said he wanted a razor, one of those really nice ones with three blades.'

then tears filled her eyes that spilled out onto her cheeks. 'and then he said he would really like to have a suit. he said he doesn't have one. he doesn't wear them. . . .

i know why he's asking for a suit.'

and you know what? it doesn't matter how many patients i have a day that die, it doesn't matter how many hysterical loved ones i have to counsel, i have never once been unmoved by it. and today was the exact same thing. just the thought of having to buy my dad a suit for christmas in order that he could be buried in it makes my heart sink.

so i cried with her, i hugged her, i told her that i had no idea what she must be going through right now. and i really don't. i have no idea what that's like. but i do know what it's like to lose someone, both to death and to life. and God has blessed me in the past year with a huge growth in empathy for other people. i really hope that she felt a little better. even if it was just getting it out that helped her, i hope it did.

on a happy note, my heart echo went great, she said my heart looks amazing. that means there's nothing wrong with my vascular system, which lessens the chance that the baby will have vascular problems and makes the chances of dying during childbirth the same as a normal, healthy 22 year old. praise God that He spared ariel and i from these problems!

2007-11-27T12:08:00.000-05:00

this moved me today.

"The Lord has indeed delivered me from much evil to a place of peace and rest for a time. He has shown the strength of his hand in the darkest times of my life, and even though I turned a deaf ear to his call for me so many times, he did not turn a deaf ear to my cries from the depths of sin.

He is truly almighty! I have not seen a sin is beyond his might.

May praise never leave my lips for the One who is Holy! Holy! Holy!"

2007-11-26T16:30:00.000-05:00

of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.

Lin Yutang

ariel and i had a pretty good weekend. we got to go home to chicago and see my family, which was great because they hadn't seen ariel since the wedding and they hadn't seen me in two months. they had bought some onesies for the baby and a maternity shirt for me! it was really sweet! my sisters couldn't stop staring at my belly. at one point, anna mary put her ear on my belly and said, 'kelly! i heard the baby! it said, 'waaaa waaaaa i want a bottle'!'.

how funny it must have been for my parents to see ariel and i in a new light! my family is ecstatic about this baby.

it snowed all the way home from chicago to auburn hills. ariel and i listened to some songs from our wedding. it was nice.

we will see the baby again in two weeks. i can't wait to see how much the baby has developed! plus, then we'll know what we're having! hopefully by then i will be feeling better. i thought the nausea had subsided a bit, but then i threw up all day the next day, so . . . back to reality. any day now i should start feeling better . . . *fingers crossed*

i'm starting to look at baby cribs/strollers/changing tables. so hard to imagine that in seven more months we will have our little one in our arms.

i can't wait . . .

2007-11-20T18:34:00.000-05:00

let's talk about maternity clothes.

first of all, i don't think they should be called, 'maternity' clothes. i dunno. something about that phrase makes me feel like i'm 50.

second of all, maternity clothes are so funny looking on the hanger. but as soon as i put those funny elastic waist pants on, i felt so comfortable. i mean, they are significantly more comfortable than regular pants. considering that it's just my belly that is popping out. my hips are still small and my waist is. (well, alright, i admit it, my love handles have gotten bigger too . .) oh, and my boobs. they're not really fitting into anything either.

nobody thinks that my belly is big except ariel and i. everyone keeps saying things like, 'i have that much fat when i'm not pregnant' or 'you don't even look pregnant'. but for me, this is a really big belly. my stomach used to flat - and it's not anymore! and that means we're having a baby! and it also means that my clothes don't fit anymore!

i've been listening to christmas music. and every time that i hear 'oh come all ye faithful', i cry. *sigh*

2007-11-16T12:54:00.000-05:00

God is so generous with me.

and i really don't deserve any of the things that He is giving me right now.

i'm happy because He has opened my eyes to the small ways that He is loving me lately. and He has opened my heart to continue to ponder the big ways that He's loving me. here's some of the ways;

i had a really rough start to my morning today; i was not in the mood to be nice at work. and then one of my coworkers (who leaves today for a cruise) showed up because she left her cell phone in the office last night. she was the first person i saw and she made me laugh hysterically, just like she always does.

one of my other coworkers and i are getting to be really close. and she likes to hug. which i normally don't like. but lately, i love it. and i know each of those hugs is packed full of love from God.

my other friends are being really understanding that i'm just not in the mood to talk. it hasn't been a big struggle to put them on hold.

my coworkers met my husband; and the next day they all told me that he was a 'hottie'. =)

the nausea hasn't lessened, but we got to see our baby.

we got three christmas cds in the mail this week, a card from a friend and two letters from my sisters.

our finances aren't amazing, but they're good.

my car warns me when it's below 40 degrees 'ice possible; drive with care'.

traffic hasn't been that bad this week.

i get a whole week off (plus the weekends!) for christmas; and it's all pto.

He is gently calling me back to Himself. and i'm ready to go and run to Him . . .

2007-11-13T12:25:00.001-05:00

when life had begun
i was woven and spun
you let the angels dance around your throne

woven and spun, nicole nordeman

today we saw our baby for the first time.

*tears* and i really don't have the words to express how deeply joyful i was and still am.

the first thing i thought was
look for the heartbeat. please God, let us see the heartbeat.

"sometimes we can't see them this early", our friend said. "or it won't look like much, but it's worth a try."

as she put it on my belly and started looking around she said, "there's your little munchkin."

and there it was. a little head, a round body - and a heartbeat.

the longer that we looked at it, the more joyful i became. and i was thanking God, praising Him for allowing our love to be creative, praising Him that our baby has a strong heartbeat, praising Him for letting ariel and i enjoy this together. (when you're married to a doctor, you just assume that your spouse will miss out on some things - but he didn't miss out - we were right there together.)

and the longer that i looked at it i started to think; imagine how excited i am, how joyful i am to be seeing this little baby growing inside of me. this whole time, i was going on faith, trusting that everything was being taken care of, believing even though i didn't see. and when i finally did see, what joy completely overcame my whole soul . . .

and then i imagined my death - and my judgment - and finally seeing the One that i had believed in even though i hadn't seen . . .

how peaceful our baby looks. so peaceful. my heart grew by leaps and bounds today for the pro-life movement, who attempt to keep that peace uninterrupted.

today i think that our baby will be the most loved child ever to have been born. i think that every child that the Lord blesses us with will be the luckiest child in the world to be loved as much as we love this baby today.

and i love ariel. i loved him so much when he was standing there next to me - i always used to ask myself, 'how do you love your spouse more when you have kids together'? but now i think i understand.

we met our baby today. i think this is the happiest feeling i've ever had. even just to know that my body will allow a baby to grow until the heart starts beating - it's quite possibly the greatest gift i have ever received.

2007-11-11T15:39:00.000-05:00

mike and bekah's wedding was yesterday.

and it was a.ma.zing.

aside from my own, i have never been so spiritually fulfilled by attending a wedding. it was perfect.

they did the litany of the saints right before they said their vows. i wish we would have done that. it really got me thinking about the communion of saints and the sanctity of marriage. ya know, there are alot of saints that were married. i'm going to look into that some more.

and because it was God's plan, mike and bekah will be staying in michigan a bit longer than we thought they would. which ariel and i are so excited about. because they are such a beautiful couple and they really deserve one another. we love you guys!

and when i was getting ready for the wedding, i was trying on some dresses (none of which fit just like they used to) and i put on one of my favorite red dresses and there it was. my belly. big. i mean big. too big for nine weeks. my mom thinks it's because i'm so skinny, ariel thinks it's because we're having twins. i told him never to say that word again.

either way, i was happy, i'll admit it. because at least now there's something to show for all of the crap i've been going through.

2007-11-09T16:00:00.000-05:00

remember that you have only one soul; that you have only one death to die; that you have only one life. . . . if you do this, there will be many things about which you care nothing.

st. teresa of avila

we've had this conversation a few times;

i think i'm really smart.

but today someone told me something that sent my pride running for the door.

earlier in the day one of my coworkers came into my office to eat her lunch. she was eating some mediterannean food, but all i could smell were the onions and garlic. and it was making me sick. i mean i was ready to puke. as i was walking out the door to run to the bathroom, she stopped me and said, 'hunny? is my food making the baby sick?' i just looked at her and said, 'maybe the next time that you eat that kind of food, you could eat somewhere else other than in here.' i was surprised at my own lack of tact.

twenty minutes later the food had been cleared away and she wasn't in my office anymore. but one of my other co workers who had witnessed my thoughtless words was there. my supervisor came in and said, 'which one of you wants to teach *the woman whose head i just bit off* how to use her pager?' my other coworker was busy - 'i'll do it', i said reluctantly.

*sidenote* i always feel bad when i'm trying to teach older people how to do things that are somewhat advanced technologically. i try to be as patient as i can because i know that it's probably intimidating to them. plus, i figure it will come back around to me when i'm older and some nice young girl will teach me how to use my whatever newly developed tech thing.

when i was done teaching her how to use it, i walked back into my office and looked at my coworker who was still sitting there. 'you know what?', i said. ' i think that the Lord gives me so many opportunities to repair the wrong that i've done. and that's a blessing.'

she looked up at me and said, 'kelly, if i had been blessed with the amount of wisdom that you have when i was your age, it would have saved me alot of heartache. God really blessed you with wisdom beyond your years. and that's your gift, that's your talent. and it makes me in awe of the Lord's blessings.'

it feels alot better to give credit where it is due. and it is due to our generous Lord, who has truly blessed me with every good thing that i could never have imagined. and so i stand amazed.

2007-11-07T09:47:00.000-05:00

i have been voted off the island.

i wanted to turn on 100.3 on the radio again at work today.

not one of my co workers backed me up.

so much for real friends.

2007-11-06T14:08:00.000-05:00

well the sun is slowly sinking down
but the moon is slowly rising.
this old world must still be spinnin' round
and i still love you.

lullaby

i really don't know what i'd do without my mom. she is an absolute lifesaver.

i hate it that i live so far from her. especially now that i'm pregnant.

i talk to my mom every single day, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes for an hour. it's not that my mom is the only person in the world who can calm me down (although there aren't many). it's just the way that she does it.

it's funny, my mom and i have such different personalities, but if she weren't my mom, i still think we'd be friends.

and she loves my husband. after all, he's the one she had prayed for my whole life. she loves our baby. she told me she doesn't care that she'll be a grandma before she's 50 - she is so excited for this new blessing from God.

i remember when ariel and i had to be long distance; it was so hard. huge phone bills, huge milleage on the cars, huge heartaches. some days were great, optimism took over. but then there were the long days, the days where i would cry and the thought of him being 500 miles away.

and now, i'm right in the middle of my long distance relationship with my mom. and today, as i'm counting the miles apart, i miss her more than anything in the whole world. *tears*

i hope my baby misses me like this someday . . .

2007-11-03T18:05:00.001-05:00

last night at bible study i had rice, filipino barbeque and soup. then i topped it all off with ice cream completely covered in whipped cream (courtesy of ariel - i was happy that he remembered that i like alot of whipped cream).

and today, i'm paying for every single bite.

it's 7pm right now, we're watching the game. and this is the first hour that has passed without me throwing up since i woke up this morning. almost every hour i've been awake, i've thrown up.

i'm worried about the baby - i hope that he/she is getting enough nutrients! how are you supposed to grow a baby on toast and crackers?

ariel came home instead of going to mike's bachelor party - he came home and held me when i was crying, and kissed me on the cheek when i had puke breath, and right now he's cooking dinner for both of us. he'll never know how much things like that mean to me. sometimes i think that God gave us an intense love for one another to make up for the time issue (the fact that ariel and i haven't been together very long). because right now, there's not a doubt in my mind that ariel would do anything for me - he's trying everything he can do to make me feel better. all i can hope is that i can be just like him, that i can love just like ariel loves, so simply but totally.

2007-11-02T10:34:00.000-05:00

the lady in my office that was wearing miniskirts and four inch heels through her 38th week of pregnancy came in today - with her new baby! and even though i wanted to criticize her for taking that baby outside of the house when he is only two weeks old, all i could do was stare at the baby! he was so tiny he looked fake!and he was just sleeping - i was touching his head and his feet and this kid wasn't waking up for anything.

it made my whole day.

=)

i think the Lord knew that i needed to see that little baby. so even though it was a bad idea to bring him out into the cold office, i am so thankful that she did.

thanks, Jesus.

2007-10-31T18:21:00.000-05:00

lay my bones at the feet of the ministry
i need the guilt and the company
i need the chance to be judged
and then long forgotten

these bones, dashboard confessional

things are so different now that i'm having a baby. the girls at work keep saying, 'just wait until you have this baby, your whole life is going to change.' i haven't said it yet, i just let them give me their advice, but my whole life completely changed when i found out that i was pregnant, and continues to change more every single day.

i really miss ariel. he's been working so much, and when we are both at home, i'm so sick that i don't want to be touched or held, so we're basically like roommates. roommates who don't see each other often enough. i miss him.

man, do i love this baby. i mean, right now, i think i've come the closest i've ever come to understanding the love that God the Father has for us. and just to think, i'm just on the edge of it, i have a lifetime of understanding left to seek about that type of love.

to be honest, the whole puking and nausea thing, getting really old. but i was standing in the kitchen last night cooking some dinner and i turned around and pictured a little baby in a high chair with a bib on, cheerios on the tray, laughing and talking with me - i can't wait. but for right now, i really can't wait until this morning sickness is done. it's the worst. i haven't had a real meal in three weeks. i have literally been eating crackers and applesauce every single day for the past three weeks. until last night . . .

2 pieces of buttered toast
+1 serving of spagetti
----------------------------
a spagetti sandwich - and tears of joy because it was the best thing i've tasted in three weeks. =)

2007-10-27T12:19:00.001-05:00

"every mother is like moses. she does not enter the promised land. she prepares a world within her that she will not see . . ."

- pope paul vi

i was completely unprepared for the amount of puking i would do during morning sickness. my mom never told me that she actually puked; she just told me about the nausea. my whole day is consumed by me either telling myself, 'don't puke. don't puke. don't puke.' or i'm just puking. it's pretty much the worst feeling i've ever had. and i feel really bad for ariel, because i'm such a boring person right now. but i think he might be secretly enjoying the fact that now i'm the one saying, 'let's just take a nap, let's not do anything.'

on the plus side, i was in disbelief that i was pregnant. needless to say, i believe it now. and i guess i would rather feel like crap than feel great because then i would worry. so keep those prayers coming.

2007-10-26T12:11:00.000-05:00

"A Baby will make...Love Stronger, days s-h-o-r-t-e-r, nights L O N G E R, bankroll smaller, home HAPPIER, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future WORTH LIVING FOR."

2007-10-26T08:10:00.000-05:00

things i'm excited to teach the baby;

1. relient k songs
2. the sign of the cross
3. thumb wars
4. peek-a-boo
5. how to do the dishes =)
6. the white girl dance
7. praise & worship songs
8. how to pick out a ripe tomato or pepper
9. love
10. how to make cookies

2007-10-23T11:52:00.000-05:00

it came way to fast.

we only had two weeks of unadulterated bliss before it all began again. we knew it was coming, we were expecting to have to go through it all, just not so quickly.

my ob doc knew right away that mine was a high - risk pregnancy. so she referred us to speak with a genectic counselor from state. i just got home from there.

i went through the whole history, everything i could remember. every single detail that seems in my daily life to be normal. she wasn't overtly cold, she just wasn't very friendly. she didn't smile nearly enough, especially when you consider what kind of job she has. she asked me what i wanted to come of all of this; i started to cry. i told her i'm not expecting to be well, i'm not expecting to be pain free. i just want to know what it is that is making my body act this way.

she blew everything out the water that we had previously heard from other docs. it's not this, it couldn't be that. so we're back to square one. again.

she said, i know what it's like to come here with a certain diagnosis in your mind and then have me tell you it's something else. all i could think was, really? do you really know what that's like? have you ever sat across the table from people who can't promise you that everything is going to be okay?

so today i hate this physical world. i hate it that pain is a reality. i hate it that i get tired. i hate it that time works against us.

today the aesthetic and the spiritual are real, more than ever to me. because my body is failing, i can only rely on that which never fails me.

the baby's heart starts to beat this week; and now i'm looking for some symbolism in this being the week that begins mine and ariel's search for a diagnosis. . .

2007-10-13T15:07:00.000-05:00

i can't believe i'm going to be a mom.

i've known about my little one growing inside of me for two days now, and so far, this is the most ecstatic experience i've ever had. i mean literally, it's ecstasy.

to think that from october 11th, 2007 until the rest of my life, there will never be a day when i don't think of him. or her.

to think that the baby's welfare depends on my choices.

to think that i don't really mind feeling like crap because it constantly reminds me of my new vocation.

to think that it already has a little soul that God loves just as much as He loves ariel and i. (ariel thought of that one!)

to think that ariel and i will be the first experience of God's love for our baby.

to think that the Holy Trinity found us worthy to imitate Them in their manner of loving and creating.

i have a feeling that there are many more blogs to come. =) but for now, please pray that everything goes well with the pregnancy.

2007-10-09T18:57:00.000-05:00

so it's my first week at my new job.

my office has it all - a really heavy set lady who everyone depends on and is always sweating and who laughs easily. a tall guy who thinks he's a hotshot, and who uses phrases like, 'fabulous' and 'synergy' and looks like he stepped right off of a jcpenney catalog. a mean receptionist with a wardrobe and a haircut straight out of chicago the musical. an awkward skinny man who wears beatles t-shirts to work tucked into his high-waisted pants and who gets up to come talk to you even though you're the only two in the room. an elderly woman who has advice about everything and who wears her glasses on the top of her head like they're sunglasses.

it's alot of work - i'm sure i'll put in alot of overtme. but i beat out 127 other people for this job. and, because i'm at the same company, i know my way around more or less.

thumbs down for traffic on telegraph. lucky me, it's bumper to bumper on my way in to work and on my way home.

*sidenote* i'm on my second bag of halloween candy that i bought for trick-or-treaters. i've almost eaten all of it.

2007-10-03T10:38:00.000-05:00

the success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not, it does not determine the value of what we have done.

mother teresa

i think i love ariel more every minute that i'm awake.

what a difference it has made to be with him every day, to see him in the morning and at night. i feel so lucky. it's so evident to me that he and i together are a completely new person. and i love it.

and i've been learning more about ariel. for example, if his drink has a straw, he sips out of the left side of his mouth. weird. and when we're watching tv, he always roots for the underdog. which currently is wayne newton on dancing with the stars.

he's also the strongest man i've ever met, and quite possibly the most loving.

on a lighter note, i love the fall. i'm excited that it's finally getting a bit chilly, that's my favorite kind of weather. ariel works alot this week, i won't see him wednesday or friday or saturday. but i just went home to chicago last weekend, so this weekend i'll stay here. maybe i'll read.

2007-09-14T08:32:00.001-05:00

i have been married now for 13 days.

so far, here are my favorite things about being married;

1. never having to leave ariel again.
2. being us again, even though that's mostly watching movies and going to home depot.
3. having ariel build stuff in our condo and then having me make it pretty.
4. praying together when we first open our eyes in the morning. i love this one.
5. other things that married people do. ; )
6. hearing him say, 'my wife' to other people.
7. being there when he gets home from work
8. going to mass together.
9. being able to pray for 'my husband'.
10. thinking about the possibility of children being more of a reality.

i'm so happy. so much weight has been lifted off of ariel and i, and i'm praising God for it. so many times over the last few days i've thought to myself, 'who am i that i should be given this amazing blessing?' i have done nothing good enough to deserve this, but that doesn't matter, God gave us this gift and He is sustaining us daily.

Lord, let me always, for the rest of my life remember your kindness to me in this time of joy and blessing.
so that when you bind me closer to your cross i will know that my God is loving and merciful, full of compassion and indescribable hope.
let me always remember that you have done great things for me, and holy is your name.

2007-08-18T06:18:00.000-05:00

and today i'll trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat

goals for my new life, beginning september 1:

1. an hour of adoration once a week consistently
2. less sweatpants
3. keep coffee maker clean
4. daily rosary
5. make our home comfortable for ariel
6. volunteer at the women's shelter
7. join the choir or cantor
8. meditate

in one hour i will be done with this job. i can finally exhale. but it will have to wait until i get to michigan.

i love ariel more than anything in the whole world - and it's such a blessing that God has allowed our love for one another to be pruned and purified this summer so that we have no doubts about one another. i'm nervous, don't get me wrong, but it's mostly about logistics.

i've been trying to say my new name out loud to get used to it. not so much working.

i was packing up my stuff yesterday to bring to our place and i opened a trunk full of my old stuffed animals and stuff - my baseball glove, my first dance recital costume . . . i got really emotional thinking about how permanent this is. so i called ariel. he's been such a saint. i love that man so much. i love being able to depend on him.

sometimes i think i'm the most blessed woman in the whole world.
this is just rambling - sorry, been up all night.

2007-08-13T07:44:00.000-05:00

i am getting married in 18 days.

*smiles*

2007-08-10T02:37:00.000-05:00

i cry every single time i leave ariel to come back to chicago. and it's really a mystery to me because it's instant - it's as if the moment we are more than 5 yards away from each other, the tears just fall out of my eyes.

and they did today. i just cried. i hate leaving him more than anything in the whole world.

i can feel this huge transformation going on inside of me, and i can recognize it in my relationship with ariel. and it's light years beyond the material changes we are experiencing - i mean, yeah, i'm moving in with him, we're merging all of our possessions and responsibilities . . . but this transformation is the greatest spiritual rebirth i have experienced. this is no feeling; it is a movement of my whole person toward him. and how joyful i am to find that he is right in front of me, moving toward me too.

and i am struck with awe every day at how blessed i am to be given this gift of love that begins and ends right back in the same place . . .
to be given a love that has been tested and tried and proven . . .
and i think about how we've longed so much to never have to be seperated again . . .

this gift of love is
ecstatic.
consistent.
inspiring.
genuine.

and i am
unworthy.

hands down, this is the most exciting thing i've ever done.

2007-07-29T01:20:00.000-05:00

wherever you go, i will follow
wherever you live is my home
though days be of blessing or sorrow
though house be of canvas or stone

okay, kelly, pull it together.
breathe.
they didn't hire you to cry, they hired you to sing.
so sing.

like abram and sarah we stand
with only a promise in hand.
so lead where you dream, i will follow
to dream with you is my delight.

don't think about it, don't think.
wait, yeah, think. think about the white sox.
baseball.
work.
funerals.
just don't think.

wherever you die, i will be there
to sing you to sleep with a psalm
to sooth you with tales of our journey
your fears and your doubts i will calm.
we'll live when journeys are done
forever in mem'ry as one.
and we will be buried together,
and waken to greet a new dawn.

i don't think i can do much more.
pull through, you have to.
you can.

wherever you go i will follow
behold! the horizon shines clear
the possible gleams like a city
together we've nothing to fear!
so speak with words bold and true
the message my heart speaks to you,
you won't be alone, i have promised
wherever you go, i'll be there.

pause.
i did it.

"kelly, that was great, but it was a little bit like . . . "
"like what?"
"well, like you were just saying words. like you weren't really thinking about it or something. i think it could be really beautiful if you just go with what moves you."

*sigh*

umm note to self, don't sing weddings one month before your own. just don't do it.

2007-07-22T05:05:00.000-05:00

"it takes a whole village to raise a child."

i stood in my parent's dining room this morning before i left for work - crate and barrel boxes, tissue paper, rubbermaid . . .

and i remembered standing in our place after the michigan shower and looking at all of the platters, pots and towels . . .

and i was listening to our first dance song while i was driving to work, going over my to do list in my mind . . .

and i thought about all of the plans i had for the bundt pan and the blue towels . . .

and i got to thinking - it takes a village to raise a marriage.

we have been so nourished by the people around us, emotionally and spiritually - i've said it so many times, but ariel and i have the best friends in the whole world. and now, after both of our showers are said and done, so many of the staples of our home are gifts from people who love us. so many people have helped us build up our home to make it into what it is now - we could not have done it without any one of them, we really can't take the credit for it at all.

we are so blessed. i feel that the closer we get to our wedding day, the more and more the Lord has been pouring out His visible, physical blessings on us. and we are so undeserving - the Lord called us, gave us the grace to do His will, gave us the means, and is giving us everything that we need - and we have done nothing at all. it truly is through Him, with Him and in Him.

2007-07-20T02:17:00.000-05:00

"and i said to myself
it doesn't get better than this
no, it doesn't get better than this.
but it did,
it did
oh it did."

it did, brad paisley

i bought my wedding band yesterday. it's just a plain band, that's just what i wanted. nothing too extravagant. it made me happy.

it got me thinking about the other things that make me happy lately;

sleep . . .
laughing . . .
good hair days . . .
low gas prices . . .
watching the sunrise from my office . . .

and then i started thinking about what is going to make me happy in another two months;

uniting my whole person to ariel . . .
waking up next to him every day . . .
trying to organize our stuff . . .
coming home to him every day . . .

another six months;

the possibility of babies . . .
our first married christmas . . .

another six months will be just over a year that we will have been married. maybe we'll have a baby, maybe we'll both be in shape, maybe we'll be able to take a crazy first anniversary trip - and even though right now i don't think it could get any better when i get more than four hours of sleep, i watch the office, my hair is amazing, i pay 3.15 for gas and i see a rocking sunrise - i know that it will. and i'm ready!

on a lighter note, i really can't wait until the wedding is over. i would be surprised if i go a week without getting my hair cut. it's just too much. i remember now why i don't ever let it grow this long. plus my head feels too heavy.

2007-07-17T02:05:00.000-05:00

this at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.

that's what i thought when i saw ariel across the room at my very first bridal shower.

i haven't really come down from the adreneline and anxiety of that day. so i'll have to write about it later. but there are a few things that i have in mind.

my mom drove up with me, it made us both really peaceful that she could see our place. i know it's a huge sacrifice for her to have us living in michigan, especially because she thinks that we will be at ariel's parent's house all the time. don't worry, i tell her, i can't imagine that we'll have much time outside of our place for the first year or so anyway. =)

i really loved ariel this weekend. i was so tired, and he always suffers the short end of the stick when i'm tired - but he's so generous and understanding. i am constantly amazed at the experience of being loved by another person. i am convinced that there is nothing more fulfilling. i am already amazed at the power of this love that we have - i think the wedding is going to have more influence that we had originally thought.

i was also thinking about how i've only known our bible study friends for one year. i don't think i'll ever forget the first time that i met them, it was incredibly intimidating. but when they walked into the bridal shower on sunday, i've never been so happy to see all of them, just knowing that they were there made me feel 100% better.

we got some really great stuff. people were really generous.

i can't believe it's so close.

2007-07-13T04:10:00.000-05:00

i hate original sin.

mostly because of what it does to people's bodies.

because, let's face it; death was not in God's original plan for us. it's unnatural. so all of the sickness that these patients experience due to the fact that they are dying is so painful to hear about.

i had a patient on the phone tonight that was 47 years old. he was dying of parkinsons. he was severely agitated and anxious, and a little bit delusional. i answered the phone.

'can i help you?'

'i just need to die. please, just let me die. no more medication, i don't want nurses, i don't want medication, i don't want doctors, just let me die. i just need to do it.'

*gulp*

sir, how are you feeling right now, what is going on? are you in pain? no, i just want to die. okay, are you experiencing some anxiety about dying? no, i just want to die. i need to die.

pause.

'i'll bet you're just so tired of suffering, huh?'

pause.

he started to cry.

heartwrenching.

'i'm so sorry, i can't imagine what you are going through. would you like me to send a chaplain or a social worker out to visit you tonight?'

'no.'

'are you alone?'

'yes.'

*sigh*

'well, i'm here all night until 8. so you're not really alone.'

he kind of laughed.

anything i can do to make him forget about it for one second.

this is the point in the conversation that i try my 'act like i've known you forever' tactic. works every time.

and it worked this time. after almost 30 mins (the second longest call i've taken in the two years i've been here) he calmed down, told me all about his high school reunion and his nephews and slowly his voice became quiet and he was falling asleep. 'okay, sir, i'm going to let you get some rest, if you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to call me back, my name is kelly and i'm here all night, okay?'

'kelly?'

'yes, sir?'

'thanks so much. goodnight.'

click.

two more hours until i can get some much needed rest.
one more day until i get to see my other half.
two more days until my first bridal shower.
and then, it's back to work monday at 12am.

2007-07-11T04:06:00.000-05:00

wedding dress.
work.
brother.
procreation.

i went for a dress fitting yesterday. i love my wedding dress. it's perfect. it was just what i needed to get me through the week. at least, those were my thoughts when i was walking into the store with my mom.

enter the dressing room, put on bra and slip, call mom in to help me put on dress. step out onto platform. dress feels . . . . . .

loose.

after the first alterations are done, my mom could fit her whole hand down the back of it. *rolls eyes*

"are you sure it's altered right?"
"yeah, we took it in an inch at the corset."

i knew that i had lost weight. i was totally unaware of how much. so here's the dilemma; do i assume that i'm going to stay at 103 until the wedding and have the final alterations done, or do i try to pack on 10 lbs in a month and leave the alterations the way they are?

but i will say this, regardless that it was falling off, the transformation from regular every day scrubby kelly to cinderella is . . . . amazing. especially that it happens instantly.

most people who work nights gain weight because they eat to stay awake. but i lost weight. mostly because of stress, i don't eat when i'm stressed. and my job is stressing me out. great.

my older brother called this week. he's in seminary, so we don't get to talk to him very often, it's so exciting to hear his voice!

"good news and bad news."
"okay."
"good news - i'm being transferred to australia and new zealand! they're opening a school there and it's in foundation and i'm going to help with administration!

okay.

"bad news - i'm leaving the first week in august."
"why is that bad?"
"i won't get back until the second week in september. and i can't leave before that."

so.
he's not coming.
he's not coming to the wedding.
i haven't had time to cry about it yet.
or maybe i just don't have the energy at this point.
i just got pissed off.

babies . . . . . ariel said to me a couple of days ago, "do you realize that we could be pregnant three months from now?"

*gulp*

oh, and we received our first shower gift. wine glasses, pilsner glasses and a pitcher.

thrilling.
52 more days.

2007-07-07T03:53:00.000-05:00

marriage.

if you were to ask me 5 years ago what i thought i would be doing on september 1, 2007, i'm not sure what i would have said. but it wouldn't have had anything to do with marriage.

i think that if i were to send an email to myself, to me 5 years ago, i would definitely discourage the haircut that i was about to get right before i went to college. i would remind myself not to judge other people. i would tell myself to walk away from that guy that says he's from jews for Jesus, he turns out to be more trouble than anything . . . yes, he is funny, but funny only gets you so far.

but the most important thing i would tell myself would be not to stress out too much about going to ave - when you pray and God awakens your conscience to His will, obey it and the rewards will be one hundred fold. people will give you crap for it, you'll second guess yourself every day, or at least every time that things aren't going so well - but it will all be worth it. go to michigan and live it up because God has some amazing things in mind for you there.

i never would have guessed that i would find such amazing friends there. i NEVER would have guessed that i would find my spouse there. i don't think i would ruin it for myself, i wouldn't have wanted to know, but in retrospect, it's absolutely amazing how things fell together. it's amazing how things were planned.

i want to fall more deeply in love with ariel.

i want to fall more deeply in love with Jesus.

and it's wonderful that i can love ariel and fall in love with Jesus. and i can love Jesus and fall in love with ariel.

ariel and i have been more like . . . us . . . . lately. we've actually been more like we were before we got engaged - laughing, sweet, patient - it's refreshing. funny how engagement changed the way we see each other. even funnier how much we love each other regardless and because of all of the baggage that we're both bringing to this marriage.

"lord Jesus, give me 24 hours of perserverance . . . "

2007-06-29T07:41:00.000-05:00

"Know that I am with you; I will protect you wherever you go, and bring you back to this land. I will never leave you until I have done what I promised you."

Genesis 28:15

2007-06-22T07:08:00.000-05:00

today i am picking up my wedding dress.

2007-06-17T02:09:00.000-05:00

even though the sun is shining down on me
and i should feel about as happy as can be
i just got here and i already want to leave
it's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.

lonely day, phantom planet

anna mary and i had a starbucks date today. a middle aged red haired man came up to me and said, 'your daughter is so precious, she really is a spitting image of you.' i'm tired of explaining that she's my sister. . . yeah, i know, i'm too old to have such a young sibling . . . yes, my parents know what birth control is . . . i know, i look old enough to be her mother . . . so i just say 'thank you'.

usually at work during the night, i'm able to catch 15 mins of sleep here and there. not last night. i had a chart open for 6 hrs. i worked with the same family for six straight hours. the daughter was diagnosed with schizophrenia and the patient was imminently dying. how do you explain to a crazy person that her mom is dying? *sigh* it was awful.

wedding planning is . . . stagnant.

been listening to alot of bach lately, seems to help to clear my mind. when my mom gave birth to my siblings and i, she always requested to have classical music playing in the background to help her focus on her breathing. she majored in classical composition and conducting in college. so each one of us was born to a different composer, i was born to bach. and i'm having amy sing bach's ave at the wedding. if nothing else, the music at the wedding is going to rock, i'm pumped about it.

2007-06-15T00:29:00.000-05:00

oh, we stutter and we stammer till you save us
a symphony of chaos till you play us
phrases on the pages of unknown
‘til You read us into poetry and prose

nichole nordeman, healed

today, i am amazed.

i know i'm smart. i first realized that i was smart when i was the only kid from my grade walking across the street to the junior high building for my english comprehension and social studies. mr. sowell was my fifth grade teacher and he told me that i could do anything that i wanted with a brain like mine. he told me that life was always easier for smart people. and to an extent, he was right; i did really well in high school, really well on my ACTs and really well in college. school has never been a problem for me, i love to learn.

but today i was struck with the reality of the intelligence of God.

i was in adoration today, and at benediction, as we were singing the tantum ergo, the words flew out of my mouth -

praestet fides suplementum sensuum defectui
where the senses fail, faith is supplemented

i stopped for a second; it wasn't just where my senses fail that faith takes over. it is true that when i can't see Him, i still believe He is near, when i can't taste Him, i trust that it is He whom i am consuming. but faith saves the day most completely when my intelligence fails to comprehend Him.

i don't think that anything is more puzzling than not being able to fully understand the one that i worship. i guess when He decides to make Himself known to me, it's clear, it's crystal clear. but it's so little of Him . . . how can you know so little of something and yet be so convinced? it's like not knowing the person that you love.

no matter how smart i am, i could never think something into existence. this is me - i am my body and my soul, and my thoughts which are functions of my body and soul, don't go anywhere. they're just in my head and occasionally result in some action. there is nothing that depends on my thoughts for it's existence. when i die, there might be a few things that end, but the world would still exist.

compared with what and who there is to know, i know nothing.

2007-06-05T00:39:00.000-05:00

i'm trying to catch up on my reading this summer. when i was in school, we read some heavy hitters; aquinas, john of the cross, augustine, church council documents, theology of the body etc. so this summer i can catch up on all of my bubble gum novels guilt free.

i think everybody has a list of books they want to read. and most of the classics are on that list, just so that people can say that they've read them. i have read a ton of books from different periods up until modern and post-modern literature. and i don't know of alot of really talented modern authors. so i've developed a new technique. i just walk down the aisles, open up a book and read the dedication and the first few lines. probably every 10 books start out something like this;

"it was the first cool day in months, which remined sally williams that she needed to have someone come out and look at her seemingly one thousand year old furnace. he had always done that, and until that fateful day three years ago, she couldn't tell you if it was a good thing or a bad thing that there was a small fire burning inside of it."

*sighs* next book.

it's funny how everyone writes about death and loss. the theologian in me wants to say that people write about it because it is unnatural; adam and eve weren't created to die, it was a result of their sin. but the other parts of me know that the challenge for the author lies in attempting to put such a life-altering experience into words.

i love words. language is an incredible tool; i don't ever want to take for granted the gift of expression that we have been given in words. our words are so far beyond the sounds that animals make to 'communicate'. an animal's mating call doesn't make the other animal feel anything, it's just instinct. but our words can evoke so much emotion; but it's not the sounds, it's not the syllables but together to make the expression - it's the person who is speaking, the thing that he is speaking about that evokes different emotions. the word 'death' is not directly corralated to the actual thing; it's just noise that we make to communicate what is going on. and the script of our noise are just characters assigned to the individual noises. just another form of communication.

amazing.

amazing that we can make noise and adapt our understanding to be moved by it.

"when they write my obituary. tomorrow. or the next day. it will say, 'leo gursky is survived by an apartment full of shit.' i'm surprised i haven't been buried alive. i often wonder who will be the last person to see me alive. if i had to bet, i'd bet on the delivery boy from the chinese take-out." the history of love, nicole krauss

"the candleflame and the image of the candleflame caught in the pierglass twisted and righted when he entered the hall and again when he shut the door. he took off his hat and came slowly forward. he looked down at the guttered candlestub. he pressed his thumbprint in the warm wax pooled on the oak veneer. lastly he looked at the face so caved and drawn among the fold of funeral cloth, the yellowed moustache, the eyelids paper thin. that was not sleeping. that was not sleeping." all the pretty horses, cormac mccarthy

2007-05-31T01:04:00.000-05:00

oikology
(oy-koll'-uh-jee) n. the study, or science of housekeeping. [from Greek oikos "house, dwelling."]

i lost my favorite pair of jeans. i don't know how, except that when you live in a house with seven other people, stuff just disappears. it's not so much that the house is messy as it is just . . . crowded with barbies and polly pockets. you just can't find anything in my parents house.

xanthochroi
(zan-thock'-roh-wee, zan-thock'-roy) n.pl. white persons having light hair and fair skin. adj.& singular form: xanthochroid (zanth'-uh-kroid, zan-thock'-roid). adj. form: xanthochroic (zanth-oh-kroh'-ic). [from New Latin xanth- "yellow" + Greek ochroi from ochros "pale."]

i am not ashamed to say it; i am testing out some gradual tanning lotions for the wedding. it's not so much that i want to be really dark. i just want to take that ghastly edge off of my skin. today is the third day in a row that it has been over 80 degrees. summer is here - and for me, that means humbly accepting comments about how pale my skin is.

discalceate
(diss-kal'-see-ate') v.t. to pull off shoes or sandals from. adj. (used of certain religious orders) barefoot or wearing only sandals. [from Latin discalceatus "unshod", from dis- + calceus "shoe"].

my little sisters like to play with my shoes. they try them on and clomp around the house and pretend that they are going to work or going out on a date. anna mary came downstairs earlier today with a pair of my flip flops. 'umm, kelly? could i wear these outside?' *sigh* 'no, why don't you just leave them in here.' she looks down to the ground. 'they even almost fit me.'

miscegenation
(miss-uh-jen-nay'-shun) n. 1: the interbreeding of different races or of persons of different racial backgrounds. 2: cohabitation, sexual relations, or marriage involving persons of different races. 3: a mixture or hybridization.

it's only 94 more days until we get married.

i'm working on nfp right now. on the one hand, it's beautiful how God made us women so perfect and intricate. on the other hand . . . what a pain in the ass.

telos
(teel'-ahss) n. an ultimate end.

2007-05-29T05:00:00.000-05:00

i never knew
i never knew that everything was falling through
that everyone i knew was waiting on a cue
to turn and run
when all i needed was the truth

over my head, the fray

my office is overlooking the hotel plaza on the second floor of the business building. three of the walls in the office are regular, but there is one that is all windows. as nice as it sounds, it's kind of creepy because anyone can look in and see us working.

last week a nurse came in at 3 in the morning. she didn't have a key, and she didn't have a cell phone. there are signs all over the doors and windows requesting that people not bang on the windows, but ring the doorbell instead.

so she banged on the window for someone to let her in. after cleaning up the pee that got on my chair after 30 full seconds of her knocking, i went over and let her in.

she had to be over 70. i mean, this lady was old. and she was grouchy. she flung a couple of folders into my arms and ordered me to take them into the office. just because she gave me attitude (at 3 in the morning) i put them back into her arms and told her that it was her responsibility to get those charts back to the medical records office. besides, i have calls to answer. she stood there glaring at me for a good 2 minutes, and then proceeded to slam the charts on the medical records counter, utter several four letter words that she was too old to know, storm out and slam the door.

tonight, she came back into the office.

and she told me all about the bitch that was here last week that wouldn't help her out.

2007-05-27T07:37:00.000-05:00

friday 3PM - nap
4:00 - wake up

saturday 12AM - go to work
8AM - get off work, go to airport to pick up older brother
12PM - lunch with grandparents
2PM - drive home with older brother
3PM - sleep
7PM - wake up
8PM - dinner
9PM - rosary
10PM- shower
11:20PM - leave for work

sunday 12AM - shift begins
8AM - shift ends, drive home
8:30AM - arrive home
9:00AM - shower
10:15AM - arrive at church to cantor
10:55AM - sing prelude with brothers
11AM - cantor mass - greta's first holy communion
12:15PM - party for the first communion
3PM - open house ends
5PM - dinner for dad's birthday
7PM - extreme makeover home edition
8PM - sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

more than 48 hours awake, only four hours of sleep.

this wedding had better be worth it.

=)

2007-05-26T01:40:00.000-05:00

a woman called tonight.

her husband is the patient, she said he was having shortness of breath.

check on the diagnosis, it's fourth stage lung cancer.

ironically, he's four days past his prognosis.

his lips and fingers are turning blue.

she started to cry, she said he was gasping for air.

he has oxygen in the home but doesn't like the canula.

she called his name two times, the second time almost shouting.

then she said that she thinks he's gone.

i let her cry for a minute, told her i'm so sorry for her loss, i know she is suffering, i'll send the nurse right away.

'don't send the nurse yet', she said.

my heart breaks for her. for legal purposes, ma'am, i have to send the nurse, he has to be pronounced. do you just not want to speak with the nurse right now?

'no it's not that. i just don't want them to take him yet.'

i tell her that i understand, but not to worry, after the nurse gets there, we'll just wait to call the coroner until she is ready.

she agrees.

i ask her if she wants to stay on the line while i page the nurse or if she would like to disconnect, she opts for staying on until she knows when the nurse will be there.

after i page the nurse, i get back on the line and ask her if there is anything else i can do while we're waiting to hear back. she says she's fine. i put her back on hold.

two minutes later, i check back and tell her i'm still waiting for the nurse to call back. she asks, 'why is it taking so long?'

i tell her the nurses sleep in between calls during the night shift.

'what time did i call?'

'it was just after 1 AM.'

she pauses, then says, 'oh my god.'

'he promised me that he would make it to our 50th anniversary.'

i shrugged. 'when is that?'

'may 26th. he made it.'

sometimes i wish i could pat God on the back.

2007-05-20T07:05:00.000-05:00

i believe in your excessive love now, when i in no way feel it,

now, when i'm wearied and burdened,

now, when i see no future but only present darkness -

i believe in your excessive love because you are faithful,

because you are compassionate with weakness,

because you are always present when there is need,

because you are gentle and forgiving,

because you are patient and unwearying,

because you are a God of mercy,

because you came to seek out the lost, to bind up the wounded, to heal the sick.

I believe in your excessive love, which is unreasonable by human standards,

which is incomprehensible to my limited vision,

which only demands utter faith,

which offers me perfect joy if i accept to be that grain of wheat with you,

falling and dying, which gives me peace

and the only true security i will ever know.

i believe in your excessive love, kissing each of your precious wounds,

drinking of the sacred cup you offer,

the cup of yuor blood, poured out to the last drop.

i believe in your excessive love,

uniting me to you and you to me in time

and throughout eternity.

2007-05-19T01:32:00.000-05:00

tonight i'm listening to
the fray
relient k
norah jones
bach

nothing is hitting the spot tonight.

you right where you are
from right where i am
somewhere between
unsure and a hundred

hundred, the fray

2007-05-17T21:49:00.000-05:00

anna mary, after learning how to work the whoppie cushions i gave to my sisters:
"come on, girls, let's go upstairs and fart together."

waking me up bright and early:
"good morning, moonshine." (instead of sunshine)

at dinner:
"why didn't ariel come with you?"
"he had to work."
"doesn't he love us?"
"of course he does."
"oh yeah, i forgot. he is my fiance."
"no anna, he's my fiance."
"but i have a crush on him! and i think he has a crush on me too! . . . . he called me on my birthday . . . . and said that he loved me."
"oh, i see."
"do you see that he is my fiance?"

talking about the music at the reception:
"well, i guess you could borrow my veggie tales cd. i guess we could just press repeat."

2007-05-15T07:56:00.000-05:00

there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of you laced with my doubt

my least favorite thing in the whole world is leaving the people that i love.
i would rather be in physical pain than to have to say goodbye.

i don't say 'goodbye'. i say, 'take care' or 'see you'.
goodbye seems so permanent.

i think the worst part about leaving is gradually forgetting facial expressions. i get frustrated when i can't remember those.
but when i return, i'll remember that my mind is just not strong enough to remember things that are so beautiful and creative.

i'm leaving today. everything about it is bittersweet:

i'm going home to plan my wedding.
these are the last few months that i'll be living at my parent's house.
i have to try and explain to anna mary that ariel is my fiance, not hers.
my last chance to mend friendships with my oldest friends at home, the guys i grew up with.
when i move back to michigan, it will be for good.

don't get me wrong, i'm so excited to start my new life, the life that God planned for me from the very beginning - i can't wait to finally be at home in my vocation, i can't wait for the peace that will come from doing what God ordained for me as a wife and, if He wills, as a mother.

but today, i'm just a little nostalgic.

2007-05-07T10:53:00.000-05:00

things i learned about filipinos this weekend:

1. "ariel, who is that guy?"

"which one?"

"the one you just waved to."

"i dunno."

"then why did you wave?"

"he's filipino."

2. "it's like this - between all of the different types of asians, filipinos are . . . black. yeah, filipinos are, like, the black people of asians." - rich rama

3. "all of the other asians want to be filipinos." - ariel

4. every single filipino has better rhythm and can dance better than every other race. combined.

5. they claim to have good taste in music, but i don't think andrew peterson counts.

6. "yeah, you should send out separate invitations for your wedding: one half to the white people and the other half to the filipinos. what time is your wedding? 1:30? okay, on the invites to the filipinos, tell them it's at 11:00." - chris lum

7. "so they got you too, huh? yeah, this time they even got me all barong-ed." - white guy married to a filipino woman.

2007-04-30T18:13:00.000-05:00

i have a list of 'to do's' before i die. as morbid as that sounds, it keeps my life exciting if i'm always looking for the next thing to cross off of my list and constantly adding things to the list.

take up smoking and quit cold turkey.

learn how to swim.

stay up all night to watch the sunrise and eat blueberries.

street preach.

own a fish.

make a friend who doesn't speak any english and try to learn their language (ebonics doesn't count since i can already hit up dat shit like a mo fo).

go back to the pc.

do some missionary work outside of the states.

backpack in europe.

go hangliding or sky diving.

save someone's life.

when i was in florida, i accomplished three of my 'to do's':

1. watch the sunrise and the sunset in one day
2. surprise someone elaborately.
3. make someone laugh until they cry.

the best part is that God knows well the dreams that are on my list; and He loves me so much that He allows me to keep some of those plans, and then knows my heart so well that He turns them into something that i could not imagine, but that is so much more fulfilling because it is ordained by Him.

oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

you know when i sit and when i rise,

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

before a word is even on my tongue, Lord

you know it.

behind and before me you encircle me,

you rest your hand upon me.

such knowledge is far beyond me,

far too lofty for me to reach.

how precious to me are your designs, oh my Lord!

how vast are your works!

if i were to count them, they would outnumber the sands,

to number them, i would need eternity!

2007-04-10T14:12:00.000-05:00

songs i listen to that i probably shouldn't, either because of the lyrics or just because i'm white:

-i'm in luv with a stripper, t-pain
-grillz, nelly
-smack that, akon
-sexy love, ne-yo
-give it up to me, sean paul (love this one)
-i wanna love you, akon/snoop
-in da club, 50cent (i actually know every single word to this song)
-gold digger, kanye west (i can rap this one too)
-snap yo fingers, lil jon
-lean wit it rock wit it, dem franchize boyz
-ridin, chamillionaire
-bossy, kelis (i sing that one to ariel)

2007-04-09T09:30:00.000-05:00

"we should get jerseys
cause we make a good team"

things i've learned from loving ariel for one year:

ariel's love for the Lord runs deeper than anyone else's i know.

the Lord thinks its funny to uproot all of the plans i had for my own life.

shoes are not acceptable in the house.

pray pray pray

don't try to beat ariel at anything; well, i guess you can try, but it doesn't matter because he'll kick your butt at everything.

the Lord rewards fidelity to Himself a million times over.

don't let ariel's stature and mannerisms fool you - beneath all of that lives a complete and unabashed cuddle slut.

sometimes the only constant is the knowledge that God put us together.

don't touch door handles, outdoor plants or trash cans; use hand sanitizer after touching money, especially coins.

'you just know' has never been so true.

lyrics don't mean anything; it's the beat.

ask if there are free refills before purchasing the largest size drink.

ariel will literally do anything for me.

"a doctor marrying a theologian? that's a good one."

his friends are amazing. well, i guess they're my friends now too. =)

even when i'm not thinking of it, ariel always takes care of my soul.

ariel and i are the epitome of masculinity and femininity. according to my mom =)

love grows out of trials of the heart.

back pain? sore throat? dehydration? no problem, the good doc will hook me up with whatever i need, discounted medicine, free samples, iv in the doctor's lounge . . .

i'm not the only person that thinks the world of ariel; everyone who gets to know him, loves him.

i don't deserve him, but i should always take advantage of the fact that i have him.

order rice with everything.

"and i'm racking my brain for a new improved way
to let you know you're more to me than i know how to say
you're ok with the way this is going to be
cause this is going to be the best thing that we've ever seen"

must have done something right, relient k

2007-04-05T07:33:00.000-05:00

i just found these pictures from last summer, i took my sisters to the zoo when my mom was in the hospital - it was, of course, the hottest day of the year, and with our ivory skin, we were all burnt to a crisp - but the lake is right across lake shore drive from lincoln park zoo, so we walked over to the beach and jumped right in with our clothes on! they loved it!

last summer at the north shore, anna's baywatch
bridget, greta, me and anna mary at the zoo
bunny faces
sarah and me

reasons to be happy today:

easter is only three days away
ariel kissed me when he thought i was sleeping
this morning i drank a cup of coffee and watched the snow fall
i'm getting married in five months
i have wonderful, faithful, beautiful friends
i made my parents laugh last night
all of my laundry is done
we missed our first nfp class - i'm in no rush to learn all of that
Jesus doesn't give me what i deserve
tulips will start blooming soon
i have the most beautiful sisters in the world

2007-03-22T16:37:00.000-05:00

i took a walk today. normally i walk quickly, partly because i don't want to talk to anyone, partly because my mom always told me that no one bothers a woman who walks briskly, but mostly because it justifies the oreos or cheetos i ate earlier.

i gotta get out of here
because i'm afraid that this complacency is something i can't shake.

but today i walked slowly, felt the sun on my face and took breaths that were just a bit too deep. the fresh air felt good in my lungs.

i still didn't want to be bothered, i just wanted to be alone.

even though there's no way of knowning where to go i promise i'm going

after 8 whole minutes, a cloud came and covered the sun. it was a giant cloud. total mood killer, i turned around and started to walk back. the sun is gone, and i'm over this. back to philosophy.

i had one foot through the front door, and the sun came out from behind the clouds. i turned around and smirked at the irony.
and i heard a little voice in my heart say,

"the sun wasn't gone. it was there the whole time."

2007-03-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

leave a message on april 2nd, i'll be watching the season home opener.

2007-03-07T15:22:00.000-05:00

1. cannonball, damian rice

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

2. bad day, daniel powter

well you need a blue sky holiday
the point is they laugh at what you say
and i don't need no carryin' on

3. come back to bed, john mayer

you can be mad in the morning,
i'll take back what i said
but don't leave me hanging alone here
it's cold baby, come back to bed

4. the hardest part, coldplay

and i tried to sing
but i couldn't think of anything
and that was the hardest part

5. carry me on my way, james taylor

I forget what to ask for, there isn't anything I haven't been given.
How could I wish for anything more as I am here living in heaven?
This moment in the sun to feel the wheel turning on.

6. chasing cars, snow patrol

i need your grace
to remind me
to find my own

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?

7. like a star, corinne bailey rae

just like a star across my sky,
just like an angel off the page,
you have appeared to my life,
feel like i'll never be the same,
just like a song in my heart,
just like oil on my hands,
honour to love you

2007-02-22T16:26:00.000-05:00

i hate the winter.

i have already been sick three times this winter. and i mean 'i can't get out of bed take me to the hospital' sick. i'm expecting one more bout before spring comes. because that's just how things go with my immune system.

i hate it that it's so dark all the time. maybe that's just a michigan thing. i hate it.

and my best friend is going to warm, sunny coco beach for spring break and i have to stay here write my thesis.

one nice thing about winter - ariel and i first met each other last winter, although it was toward the end and it was way warmer than it is now.

if the damn sun would shine maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

2007-02-19T13:47:00.000-05:00

2007-02-14T09:25:00.000-05:00

"it's been a year
filled with problems
but now you're here
almost as if to solve them
and i can't live in a world without you now

all my life
i've been searching for you
how did i survive
in this world before you

'cause i don't wanna live another day without you now
this is the best thing
the best thing that could be happening
and i think you would agree
the best thing is that it's happening to you and me"

the best thing, relient k

2003-2004.

the soundtracks of that year for me were dashboard's a mark a mission a brand a scar, norah jones' come away with me and relient k's two lefts don't make a right . . . but three do. it was a year of firsts for me. first 2 week relationship, first real girl fight, first addiction to nicotine, first real best friend, and the first time anyone had really surprised me.

my favorite valentine's day to date: three years ago today my boyfriend at the time took me out for dinner. i can't remember where we went. it was just that amazing. we got home and nina was freaking out. "go into your room and change your clothes. i'm taking you somewhere." i got excited - nina and i always did cool things together. i went into my room and came out a minute later to find nina pacing in the living room.

"hey nin, jeans? a hoodie?"
"it doesn't matter, just change!"

two minutes later.
"do i need a couple of layers?"
"kelly, just change your damn clothes."

one minute later.
"does this shirt match these jeans or is it a khaki kind of thing?"
nina handed my coat to me and shouted, "kelly, seriously, you look fine let's GO!"

so we got into the car and nina, who normally drives at the most 10 miles over the speed limit was pushing 25 over. we got to a sports arena and parked and ran toward the front. by this point i was kind of annoyed - she wouldn't tell me where we were going, no details, nothing. "just come on kelly, you're gonna die." we got into the line which was out of the door. at this point i was thinking it was a hockey game or a basketball game and i had prepared my "oh my god! i can't believe it! thank you so much!" speech. we got inside of the building, and i was looking around trying to figure out where we were - and then i saw it.

"TWO LEFTS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT. . . . BUT THREE DO" RELIENT K NATIONAL TOUR 2003-2004

it was an awesome concert. i think we were the only people over 14 there, but it didn't matter. within the first two seconds of every song, we screamed the lyrics and it left us hoarse for days. i dropped my gum down my shirt and nina had to get it out for me. we very seriously considered moshing with all of the 8th graders and then decided against it.

nina is the first person to successfully surprise me. and this is me still patting her on the back for it.

happy st. valentine's day to all of my loves!

2007-02-11T10:08:00.000-05:00

"lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you."

fix you, coldplay

the effects of the huge transition i'm going through from being single to being married just hit me last night. we were at a bar in ann arbor with mike and rebekah playing shuffleboard. and i was telling her all about registering for gifts, how tired i was from walking all day and how much fun it was to pick new things out - and then i said it.

our wine glasses.

up until that point, it hadn't really seemed natural for me to speak in the third person. things had not yet made the switch from being mine to being ours. i keep finding myself telling people what i'm doing this weekend instead of what we're doing. after i finally said it naturally, i started thinking about all of the changes i'll be going through this year.

graduating.

new job.

moving.

marriage.

pregnancy?

it's a bit daunting. it's highly intimidating. that's alot of change. and i don't always deal well with change. but i think it's different now that i have ariel. because it's not just forced change. i want these things to change. i want to move and get married and have little ponce's. not too excited about learning nfp . . . but the other changes i think i'm excited about.

plus, i belong with ariel. wherever he is, that place is my home. so i guess it's kind of like packing up all my stuff and going home. "only, to no home that i had ever known . . ."

2007-01-23T22:34:00.000-05:00

"wish i could tell you,
what i am feeling,
but words won't come for me to speak

but i'll blame it on the sun,
that didn't fill the sky,
i'll blame it on the birds and the trees "

blame it on the sun, stevie wonder

my older brother is coming home for a visit on saturday. it won't be the same as when we were younger, we could steal away and laugh at mom and dad or jam on the guitar . . . or we could just be there together, listening to stevie and boston, hendrix and the beatles. . .

we were never more than five feet away from each other. he would take me out with him on saturday nights, i would think i was really cool hanging out with all of his pot-smoking friends. he would play new songs for me and let me chill with him while he recorded. the year that he and his band won the garage band contest in the county, i was right there in the first row, clapping and yelling for them. that was the same summer that he decided to enter seminary.

he came home from a spiritual exercises retreat in st. louis and there was something different right away. he stood up straight, he decided to stay in that weekend and not party with his friends. the day before he came home from st. louis i had told my parents that i wanted to discern my own vocation more deeply, that i wanted to leave them and go to a vocational discernment high school in rhode island. nick came home on friday. and on sunday he told us all that he was leaving for seminary.

we kind of laughed at him; until he threw away every one of his hundreds of cd's, posters, books, t shirts and any other token of his former band life. he began to wear dress shirts and black pants. the man who formerly would not get out of bed if Jesus Himself requested it was now getting up for 7:15 mass and adoration afterwards. we left on the same day, july 21st, 2000. i didn't cry when i left my parents; but i cried my eyes out when i left nick. =)

he's been in the seminary ever since, the formation will be another 4-6 years for him until he will be ordained. what a beautiful, blessed day that will be when, God willing, my older brother's hands will bring Jesus down from heaven and allow the bread and wine on the altar to become consecrated as the Eucharist!

because you see, that's his family now - the Church is his family, his bride, the One whom he dedicates his life to, the One for whom he has given up everything. that's Who my big brother loves.

and on saturday, for the first time, he will meet the one i love.

2007-01-20T18:29:00.000-05:00

things that are difficult:

smiling when you don't want to just because you know it will make someone else happy.
getting up before the sun.
decisions about the future.
doctor's appointments.
hanging up the phone.
not buying something at nine west.
getting dressed with a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear.
missing family and friends.
deadlines.
seeing someone you love suffer.
realizing that you've done something wrong and apologizing.
making someone else look good.
hoping, trusting, believing.

things that are easy:

laughing with good friends.
kissing.
taking long bubble baths with candles and norah jones.
coffee dates.
rolling the windows down and turning the music up.
seeing God in nature.
reminiscing.
waking up with the sun and taking a long run.
getting a pedicure or painting your own toes.
keeping secrets.

2007-01-15T18:40:00.000-05:00

thesis.

bubble bath.

confession.

family.

my thesis is . . . . . stressful. i changed my topic at the very last minute. after i had already gotten a head start on eucharistic theology and the sacrament as the fulfillment of jewish tradition blah blah blah . . . . changed. and the new topic is (drum roll please)

the sacrament of matrimony as a means of mutual sanctification on the parts of the spouses.

*sigh* and so i start over. maybe it will help with my preparation. but honestly, ariel and i are learning from each other more than we are from the books. sometimes i think we're really different people, but i mostly think that i'm a woman and he's a man.

my tub was naaaaaaasssty. but i scrubbed it and took a bubble bath anyway. =)

confession is really refreshing. but today while i was preparing in church, i was thinking to myself - what if confession was the other way around? what if i didn't say the bad things i did? what if i only had to say the good things i had done? well it's a good thing it's not that way because the bad outweighs the good . . . *pats self on back* workin on that one . . .

i miss my family. but my brother is coming home from seminary for a visit in a couple of weeks and i can't wait to see him. he's one of my best friends in the whole wide world. and he will meet ariel! because nick hasn't been home in a whole year! so yay!

currently listening to john mayer whenever i can. except it's mostly about breaking up, and i'm not really doing that. but his rendition of hendrix's bold as love rocks. check it out.

2007-01-05T22:39:00.000-05:00

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,

I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,

the dim of the soft lights,

the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers

and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late

and this walk that we shared together.

The streets were wet

and the gate was locked so I jumped in,

and I let you in.

And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist

and you kissed me like you meant it.

And I knew that you meant it,

that you meant it,

and I knew,

that you meant it,

that you meant it.

hands down, dashboard confessional

1. ariel comes back to chicago tomorrow! i miss him like crazy . . . . and i'm going to kiss him like i mean it.

2. i talked to my best friend today for a long time. i wish i could do that every day because it's a huge pick-me-up.

3. wedding planning is . . . .

4. today is the first day in about a week that i have not cried. *pats self on back*

5. i watched all three 'back to the future' movies this week. the 'future' one takes place in 2015. *smiles*

6. another person asked me if i had a 'loaf in the oven' today. 'is that the reason you're getting married so soon?' *sigh* and she also asked me what form of contraception ariel and i would be using. 'what?!? why would you want alot of kids?!?' *sigh* we're not even married yet.

7. life is . . . .

hectic.

eventful.

scary.

but good. *smiles*

2007-01-04T00:18:00.000-05:00

engagement picture?

2006-12-31T20:50:00.000-05:00

things that make me cry now that i'm engaged . . .

1. lyrics to the title track from the new train cd:

"Take my hand in the mean time, let's walk in to the sunshine. Everybody got something that they wanna sing about, laugh about, cry about, it's true, for me it's you. "

2. prayer that the priest says at the wedding when the sponsors put the veil and cord over ariel and i (thanks, anna - i was reading it and crying!)

(reader / celebrant reads as Veil Sponsors place veil over couple's shoulders): Lord, with this veil, which represents this couple's union and mutual surrender to each other, may you always protect (names of couple) from any harm and strengthen them to provide continuous moral and spiritual support to each other and their children. May they remain loyal helpmates to each other as they carry life’s burden with joy.
(reader / celebrant reads as Cord Sponsors place cord over couple's shoulders): Lord, with this cord, may the bond of love and friendship uniting (names of couple) grow stronger over the years. May they remain united to you all their lives knowing, loving and serving in each other and the community.

3. cake toppers and champagne flutes. there is a cake topper called 'first dance' that makes me cry. and champagne flutes. *sigh*

4. the thought of watching 'father of the bride'. just the thought of watching it, not actually watching it.

the only thing that i can hope is that i'll get it all out of my system before september. because if the wedding were today, i don't know how i would get through it without crying uncontrollably. *sigh*

2006-12-31T17:37:00.000-05:00

"Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do in your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes your with joy and gratitude. Fall in love; Stay in love; and it will decide everything."

2006-12-22T22:47:00.000-05:00

"though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not."

- c. s. lewis

i wake up.
i brush my teeth.
i sing in the shower.
i get dressed.
i drink some coffee.
well, okay, alot of coffee.
and then i study.

sometimes i go to mass.
i eat lunch.
i daydream, imagine and plan.
i watch tv.
i check my email.

i call ariel.
i cook dinner.
we watch tv.
we laugh.
we eat something sweet.
we kiss.
we go to bed.

God doesn't sleep.

God creates.

He moves.

He inspires.

He perfects.

He lifts up.

He forgives.

i know i'm not God.
and it's most obvious to me in the way that i love.
or maybe i should say in the way that i don't love.
because that's all He does.
it's everything He does.
it's Who He is.

and everything that God accomplishes is evidence to me that love is the most powerful thing in the whole world. money could never raise someone from the dead. power and prestige never give up their existence in order that you can have the fullness of life. sex by itself is not capable of keeping a couple married for the rest of their lives.

but love - real, tough, self-sacrificial love -

it animates us.
completes us.
it motivates us.

"so now, these three remain; faith, hope and love.

but the greatest of these is love."

2006-12-14T22:40:00.000-05:00

four days.

23 hours.

47 minutes.

engaged.

*sigh*

268 days.

married.

*sigh*

2006-12-05T15:04:00.000-05:00

i stole this from lou . . . but it's been so long since i've done a survey! yay!

01. You have 10 bucks and need to get snacks at a gas station. What do you get? starbucks iced coffee, gum and as much chocolate as i can
02. IF YOU WERE REINCARNATED AS SOME SORT OF SEA DWELLING CREATURE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? a starfish
03. WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE REDHEAD? my sistas
04. WHAT DO YOU ORDER WHEN YOU'RE AT AN IHOP? umm those stuffed crepe things mmmmmm so good
05. LAST BOOK YOU READ? the dialogues of st catherine of sienna
07. DESCRIBE YOUR FAVORITE PAIR OF UNDERWEAR. scandalous! love me some vs pink boyshorts
08. DESCRIBE THE LAST TIME YOU WERE INJURED? when i tore my pec last year
09. OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS, WITH WHOM WOULD YOU WANT TO BE STUCK IN A WELL? probably my dad actually
10. ROCK CONCERT, OR SYMPHONY? symphony
11. WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE? a picture of jesus
12. SODA? umm coffee please
13. FLAVOR OF PUDDING? chocolate with chocolate chips . . . mmmmm
14. COLOR OF SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING? what shirt . . . haha jk it's grey
15. PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION? i'm off of meds right now! yay!
16. IF YOU COULD USE ONLY ONE FORM OF TRANSPORTATION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? a land rover
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? cd of gary for next weekend's thing
20. MOST RECENT MOVIE YOU'VE WATCHED IN THEATERS? umm . . . that new russell crow movie i think was the last one i saw . . .
21. IF YOU COULD INVENT ONE THING, WHAT WOULD IT BE? a money tree
22. NAME AN ACTOR/ACTRESS YOU'VE HAD THE HOTS FOR: love me some jake gyllenhall
23. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CITY? chicago or rome
24. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CAKE? auuugghhhh i hate cake! i only love blueberry muffins!
25. WHAT'S THE FIRST WORD THAT COMES TO MIND RIGHT NOW? love!
26. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM IN PERSON? umm a couple of weeks ago
28. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT? ariel made pork chops and rice
29. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN RESIDING IN THE CURRENT CITY YOU LIVE IN? four years
31. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU SAID OUTLOUD? "Amen" i was at mass
32. LOOK TO YOUR LEFT. WHAT DO YOU SEE? pillows
33. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON THAT SPENT $100 ON YOU? ariel

SAD SECTION
01. Have you ever really cried your heart out?: yup
02. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?: yeah
03. Have you ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: yeah
04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex?: umm yeah
05. Do you cry when you get an injury?: only injuries to the heart =(
06. Do certain songs make you cry?: lately every single song is making me cry

HAPPY SECTION
01. Are you a happy person?: of course
02. What can always make you happy?: chocolate
03. Do you wish you were happier?: of course
04. Is being happy overrated?: umm . . . .
05. Can music make you happy?: every day

HATE SECTION
01. Who do you actually hate?: dakota fanning
02. Have you ever made a hit list?: umm . . .
03. Have you ever been on a hit list?: if i ever was, they did a crappy job bc i'm still here
04. Are you a mean bully?: i used to be
05. Do you hate George Bush?: *shrugs* not particularly

SELF ESTEEM SECTION
01. Do you think you are good looking?: today i am
02. Do you wish you could be someone else? not really

APPEARANCE
01. Current hair color? blonde/brown/red
02. Whats your natural color?: blonde/brown/red
03. What color are your eyes?: hazel
05. Straight Hair or Curls?: curly and girly

CURRENTLY WEARING.
01. What shirt are you wearing?: a grey tank
02. Shorts/pants?: jeans
03. Shoes?: wool socks
04. Necklaces?: nope

THIS OR THAT
01. Rock or rap?: both
03. Wild night out or romantic night in?: both
05. Hummer or Sports Car?: land rover
06. Bracelet or Necklace?: necklace
07. History or Science?: history
08. Sleep in or early to rise?: early every day
09. Beach or Boardwalk?: both
10. Hoodie or Tee Shirt?: t under a hoodie
11. Night or Day?: day
12. High School or College?: well since both experiences have been so unbelievably fulfilling . . .
13. California or Florida?: i've never been to cali
14. Love at first sight or learn to love?: i think it was first sight

HAVE YOU EVER
01. Hugged someone?: umm
02. Been on the phone until the sun came up?: *giggles* yup
03. Put a song on repeat for more than an hour?: umm no
04. Laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: no

LASTS
01. Last person you talked to in person: lady at church
02. Person you talked to online?: matt
03. Person you talked to on the phone?: my sister greta
04. Person you texted?: ariel a long time ago
05. Person to text you?: probably ariel

MISC. SECTION
01. Do you like surveys?: of course!
02. What kind of shampoo do you use?: something that's supposed to control the frizz in curls . .
03. You get along with your parents?: yeah
04. Do you have mental breakdowns?: no i mean i cry and get upset but then i eat chocolate and i feel better
05. Did you ever fake being sick?: umm okay yeah i have

CURRENT
01. Current mood?: excited
02. Current music?: country/folk/indie
03. Current hair?: soon to be clean
04. Current desktop picture?: my sister anna mary

2006-12-05T13:27:00.000-05:00

"oh, and yes, as a matter of fact, i am saving myself for wild, passionate and awkward honeymoon sex."

2006-12-05T10:13:00.000-05:00

here are a few pictures from thanksgiving at home . . .

anna mary

ariel and i

thanksgiving morning

sarah bridget greta and anna mary