it came way to fast.

we only had two weeks of unadulterated bliss before it all began again. we knew it was coming, we were expecting to have to go through it all, just not so quickly.

my ob doc knew right away that mine was a high - risk pregnancy. so she referred us to speak with a genectic counselor from state. i just got home from there.

i went through the whole history, everything i could remember. every single detail that seems in my daily life to be normal. she wasn't overtly cold, she just wasn't very friendly. she didn't smile nearly enough, especially when you consider what kind of job she has. she asked me what i wanted to come of all of this; i started to cry. i told her i'm not expecting to be well, i'm not expecting to be pain free. i just want to know what it is that is making my body act this way.

she blew everything out the water that we had previously heard from other docs. it's not this, it couldn't be that. so we're back to square one. again.

she said, i know what it's like to come here with a certain diagnosis in your mind and then have me tell you it's something else. all i could think was, really? do you really know what that's like? have you ever sat across the table from people who can't promise you that everything is going to be okay?

so today i hate this physical world. i hate it that pain is a reality. i hate it that i get tired. i hate it that time works against us.

today the aesthetic and the spiritual are real, more than ever to me. because my body is failing, i can only rely on that which never fails me.

the baby's heart starts to beat this week; and now i'm looking for some symbolism in this being the week that begins mine and ariel's search for a diagnosis. . .