lifeinthenarrowgate.blogspot.com

"each one of us is a result of a thought of God; each is willed, each is loved and each is necessary."

pope benedict XVI



i have a list of goals that absolutely need to be accomplished before our son is born. at the top of the list is the cleaning of the death trap that is izzy's closet.

before we were married, i spent a weekend moving all of my stuff into ariel's place. at the time, most of it was just shoved into that closet, little did i know, never to be moved. my old desktop, a random collection of kitchen supplies, and all of the clothes that couldn't fit into the closet that we would share. when isabella was born, the mess was compounded with all of her stuff. and it really wasn't until i got pregnant again that my anxiety began to take over; how in the world am i gonna fit all of that junk in there? that's it, i thought, i'm gonna have to get rid of some of it. much easier said than done.

today i finally got through all of the rubbermaid containters. i threw most of it out - my 'shaken not stirred' coasters, phone numbers that have long since changed, endless notepads shaped like animals. right side of the closet, done.

as i started digging through the left side i found a pile of clothes that were always too big that are now too small. old jeans that i spent way too much money on, the suit i was wearing when i met ariel. the sea of clothes slowly began to part, and there they were, stuffed in between a coat and a pillow that always remided me of my best friend: my pink chuck taylors.

i bought them when i was 19 and wore them almost every day until i was 21. rain, sun or snow, didn't matter, i wore them. they had seen me through alot of changes, through multiple short term relationships, and through some amazing music. they went with almost everything in my closet, or so i rationalized. they were my favorite pair of shoes. ever.

but i outgrew them. i out-matured them. but i hung on to them for their nostalgic value. nina and i had drawn on them and written our favorite song lyrics on them, among which were, in true chuck taylor style, dashboard confessional. so kiss me hard, 'cause this will be the last time that i let you . . .

there was a day after we got married that i got them out of the closet, put them on and came downstairs, only to look my spouse right in the eye, immediately turn around and put them right back where they came from. he didn't have to say anything, i knew.

so today, i pulled them out, smiled a bit, and then put them in the bag marked, 'donate', making room for the babies both in the closet and in my heart.

i sure am happy that i saved a couple of the things that were always too big. because two of them fit now!

to date, being a wife and a mother are the two biggest challenges i've ever tried to tackle. when i sat down to write this blog, i started to think of the phrase 'working mother'. it made me think that anyone who works outside of the home could give you a brief description of their job. . . 'i'm a nurse in the icu. i make rounds on the patients every couple of hours and address their needs. it's difficult at times, but it's pretty much the same thing every day.' . . . or 'i'm a janitor at a school, just cleaning up after the kids all day.' but how do you begin to describe what you do as a mother and a wife? when i first started staying home, ariel would come home and ask me what i did all day, and all i could do was stare at him because i couldn't think of one productive thing i had done that day, but i felt as though i had run a hundred miles.

i hate it when women say that they 'just' stay at home. 'i'm just a stay at home mom.' it makes me want to puke. i understand the feeling of wanting to apologize for not being able to contribute financially in a world that is run by money, but i believe firmly that if moms were paid for their jobs, we'd make more money than anyone else in the whole world. because it's not simply having babies and loving my husband . . .

it's sacrificing my own shower so that my husband can take one before we leave.
it's making sure the laundry is done.
it's planning far enough in advance to have the best dinners on the days that he works the hardest.
it's anticipating that the baby is going to cry before she does so that she never has to.
it's dusting and sweeping the floors.
it's cheering for the baby when she does anything at all.
it's reading to her even though she's can't understand it yet.
it's tivo-ing our favorite shows and not watching them until he gets home.

it's just a million little details that describe what i do for a living.

" evolution cannot be a possibility, because mothers still only have two hands " . . .

i went to an evening retreat recently and the priest was talking about how mothers are responsible for the spirituality of our families. he suggested that we form our children in two primary virtues; the male children in temperence, so that they learn self control from an early age, and the female children fortitude, so that when they become wives and mothers they can persist and persevere. i thought it was so interesting and so appropriate. because fortitude is the moral virtue that helps us acquire faith, which is the only thing that gets me through some days!

my babies are precious to me, they and my husband are the greatest joys in my life. nothing else seems to matter anymore . . .

it's been so long since i blogged.

it's not that i don't have the time, i could make the time.

i don't really know where to begin - life is good.

izzy is my new buddy (not that i'm neglecting my parental duties, she just follows me all day and tries to do what i do). she watches me all day. i have to talk to her while i'm going to the bathroom (with the door open) so that she stops crying and realizes that i didn't leave her. we started her on solids and so my days consist of figuring out what to feed both her and my husband and then cleaning up after both of them =)

ariel had a pretty jacked up schedule last month, and this month doesn't look much better - but it just makes me so thankful that i'm home and not working because if i was working we would never ever see each other.

being at home is tough. it's really a challenge for me, perhaps because i'm pregnant and taking care of a 6 month old. my body is so tired, sometimes i don't even feel safe driving because i feel like i'm going to fall asleep. my body didn't really have a chance to return to a semblance of normalcy before getting pregnant again. but i praise God every day for the new life that is sprouting up inside of me - ariel and i don't deserve such wonderful, beautiful, perfect babies.

so for now, that sums it up.

i'm pregnant again. and so i'm very very tired. and not always in the best of moods.
i miss my friends terribly.
i love my babies more than anything.
except my husband, who really has my whole heart.
being a full time mom is way harder than i had anticipated.
i can't wait for izzy's first christmas.

"now here’s the sun come to dry the rain
warm my shoulders and relieve my pain."

i'd rather be with you, joshua radin


i want to be healthy for my baby. but it's becoming increasingly difficult. the heavier she gets, the worse my pain is. long days have always left me in alot of pain, but now every day at around 3 in the afternoon, i feel like i can't finish the day.

pain is a funny thing; it's often hard to explain and as a result it is hard to understand. when i had izzy, they gave me anesthetic to numb the lower half of my body before the c-section. and that was the first time in 11 years that i've been pain-free - and it was awesome. and because it's hard for me to describe what the pain feels like or what it does to me, i put my efforts into describing what it was like to feel no pain at all. free. ecstatic. awesome.

mentally, pain is even more intense than it is physically. it's the ultimate 'mind over matter', trying to force your body to do something that it feels like it can't do, which most people have to do a couple of times in their lifetime; long distance running, carrying something heavy while moving . . . but when you have chronic pain, it's an every single day occurance. it gets old.

the most pain i've felt recently is from a compression fracture in my spine that is between my shoulder blades. compression fractures are frequently seen in women who are over 50, as they are commonly a result of osteoperossis. *sigh* it's completely abnormal for someone my age, which says to me that it was hand-picked for me. but at this point i'm feeling that i can't handle it the way i'd like to because the pain is just too much to handle. i've found myself laughing at the phrase, "God doesn't give you any more than you can take", because this feels like more than i can take. and i try to offer up the pain for different intentions, which for me means not allowing anyone to know how much pain i'm in. because it's a greater sacrifice that way. but there has been a point every single day during the past two weeks where i say, "i can't. i can't do it anymore. and i can't offer it up." i hate it because i think of all of the intentions that i have. . . . so much to pray for and so little time.

when i was a little girl, i read a book full of stories about martyrs. it was so impressive to me. and there was a statement in that book that has stayed with me ever since: "martyrs are revered because they proved their great love of God in the most extreme way possible; by dying for Him." and after reading that i prayed, Lord, let me be a martyr. let me prove my love for You by dying for You. that was when i was 12 years old. providentially, that was the year that my pain started.

so i guess He gave me my martyrdom. and i have to take it as a challenge for me to prove with my heart what i speak with my lips. and from here on out that means calcium, pain meds and prayer. lots of prayer.

the best way out is always through.
- robert frost

i have never ever had to work hard to lose weight. in fact, now that i'm sitting here thinking about it, i haven't really had to work hard for things that most people struggle to attain. that fact is a blessing, although it doesn't mean that i've had an easy life.

never once have i struggled with any type of weight issue, and for that i'm grateful. i know too many women who have felt the pressure of the world deeply, the pressure that makes them hate the body that they've been given and feel trapped by it. i understand their struggle in a sympathetic sense because of my loved ones who have been affected by it, but i have no personal sense of it.

i'm not trying to lose weight for anybody else but myself. i want to be able to say that i'm back to my wedding weight. i want to know that i'm capable of working my butt off to stay in shape. ariel couldn't care less, but i know he'll appreciate it. my friends love me regardless. and the world can kiss my oversized butt. i want to exercise my self control, i want to be healthy for my children and i want to have a higher energy level.

i gained 45 lbs during my pregnancy. and 12 weeks later, i've shed all but 10 of it. but this last 10 lbs is killing me. and i'd like to say, 'no matter how hard i work for it . . .', but that wouldn't be true. because i'm not really working for it at all. well not until last week.

one of my friends doesn't eat any fried food or chocolate, among other things, to stay in shape.

i gave up fried food for three days, just to see how effective it is; i lost 4 lbs. which put me at 10 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight.

so here are my resolutions to get rid of this pain-in-the-ass 10 lbs:

1. eat two small meals and one larger one per day.
2. drink lots of water.
3. walk four times a week for at least 30 mins. shopping doesn't count. neither does cleaning.
4. fried food once a week. (hey, rome wasn't built in a day)

because there isn't a way out of this but to go right through it, and to work my butt off for it.

i am madly in love with my daughter.

she's just perfect, every single little thing about her. physically, she is so beautiful. i still shake my head and wonder where she came from, how something so perfect and amazing grew inside of me, and came from me. she's looking at me right now from her bouncy chair (thanks ellen!), her big brown eyes seem to be hanging on my every movement. and i'll do absolutely anything to see that gummy smile.

she got her first pictures taken last week, and there were a few times that i looked up at the screen in olan mills and thought, for a split second, that i saw myself in her. eyes that seem a little bit too big for her head (don't worry, izzy! you'll grow into them!), perfect circle-shaped head . . . chills. and what is striking to me is what a gift she is, in so many ways. she has blessed our marriage, blessed our home, blessed our thoughts and actions . . . i know that God has so much purpose for her. one purpose, perhaps, that has been provoking my thoughts lately is that maybe the Lord sent izzy to me to show me how precious i was. life can be the greatest adventure and the greatest heartbreak all at once; and i think i get caught up easily in letting whatever happens to me define my worth. and as a woman i think it's especially easy to take everything out silently on yourself. i'm not good enough. i'm not pretty enough. i'm not kind enough. but the reality is, as i see it in my daughter, i am the best gift that anyone could ever have received. i'm the most beautiful girl in the whole world. and no matter how much i fuss and cry, i'm a really nice person. and for me, it's just been an intimate, take-a-look-at-yourself-under-a-microscope experience that hasn't resulted in self-criticism. and at this point it's not as much of an ego boost as it is an observation. and maybe that's one reason i wanted a boy so badly, because on some sub-conscious level, i knew that having a girl would end up making me take a long hard look at myself, and i wasn't up for that.

ariel and i were talking the other day about protecting her. i think the best way to protect her is to arm her with knowledge. but how do i do that without over-informing her? common sense goes a long way. but how do i explain men to her? luckily, her daddy is exactly the kind of man i'd want for her. he's not perfect, but he has done so much in the right way. so i can always point to him, which is really a dream come true for a mama raising a daughter. i guess it comes down to the fact that i want her to learn from my mistakes. so right now i'm going to build a relationship of trust with her so that she'll trust what i tell her in the end. but for today, i just keep losing sleep over how i'm going to tell her that things are not always what they seem . . .

my first anniversary is coming up. seems like we've changed so much since then. one thing's for sure; i'm right where i'm supposed to be.

Lord, teach me to know You, so that in knowing You, i will love You, and that in loving You, i will serve You, and that in serving You, i will glorify Your name.