"now here’s the sun come to dry the rain
warm my shoulders and relieve my pain."

i'd rather be with you, joshua radin


i want to be healthy for my baby. but it's becoming increasingly difficult. the heavier she gets, the worse my pain is. long days have always left me in alot of pain, but now every day at around 3 in the afternoon, i feel like i can't finish the day.

pain is a funny thing; it's often hard to explain and as a result it is hard to understand. when i had izzy, they gave me anesthetic to numb the lower half of my body before the c-section. and that was the first time in 11 years that i've been pain-free - and it was awesome. and because it's hard for me to describe what the pain feels like or what it does to me, i put my efforts into describing what it was like to feel no pain at all. free. ecstatic. awesome.

mentally, pain is even more intense than it is physically. it's the ultimate 'mind over matter', trying to force your body to do something that it feels like it can't do, which most people have to do a couple of times in their lifetime; long distance running, carrying something heavy while moving . . . but when you have chronic pain, it's an every single day occurance. it gets old.

the most pain i've felt recently is from a compression fracture in my spine that is between my shoulder blades. compression fractures are frequently seen in women who are over 50, as they are commonly a result of osteoperossis. *sigh* it's completely abnormal for someone my age, which says to me that it was hand-picked for me. but at this point i'm feeling that i can't handle it the way i'd like to because the pain is just too much to handle. i've found myself laughing at the phrase, "God doesn't give you any more than you can take", because this feels like more than i can take. and i try to offer up the pain for different intentions, which for me means not allowing anyone to know how much pain i'm in. because it's a greater sacrifice that way. but there has been a point every single day during the past two weeks where i say, "i can't. i can't do it anymore. and i can't offer it up." i hate it because i think of all of the intentions that i have. . . . so much to pray for and so little time.

when i was a little girl, i read a book full of stories about martyrs. it was so impressive to me. and there was a statement in that book that has stayed with me ever since: "martyrs are revered because they proved their great love of God in the most extreme way possible; by dying for Him." and after reading that i prayed, Lord, let me be a martyr. let me prove my love for You by dying for You. that was when i was 12 years old. providentially, that was the year that my pain started.

so i guess He gave me my martyrdom. and i have to take it as a challenge for me to prove with my heart what i speak with my lips. and from here on out that means calcium, pain meds and prayer. lots of prayer.