"wish i could tell you,
what i am feeling,
but words won't come for me to speak

but i'll blame it on the sun,
that didn't fill the sky,
i'll blame it on the birds and the trees "

blame it on the sun, stevie wonder



my older brother is coming home for a visit on saturday. it won't be the same as when we were younger, we could steal away and laugh at mom and dad or jam on the guitar . . . or we could just be there together, listening to stevie and boston, hendrix and the beatles. . .

we were never more than five feet away from each other. he would take me out with him on saturday nights, i would think i was really cool hanging out with all of his pot-smoking friends. he would play new songs for me and let me chill with him while he recorded. the year that he and his band won the garage band contest in the county, i was right there in the first row, clapping and yelling for them. that was the same summer that he decided to enter seminary.

he came home from a spiritual exercises retreat in st. louis and there was something different right away. he stood up straight, he decided to stay in that weekend and not party with his friends. the day before he came home from st. louis i had told my parents that i wanted to discern my own vocation more deeply, that i wanted to leave them and go to a vocational discernment high school in rhode island. nick came home on friday. and on sunday he told us all that he was leaving for seminary.

we kind of laughed at him; until he threw away every one of his hundreds of cd's, posters, books, t shirts and any other token of his former band life. he began to wear dress shirts and black pants. the man who formerly would not get out of bed if Jesus Himself requested it was now getting up for 7:15 mass and adoration afterwards. we left on the same day, july 21st, 2000. i didn't cry when i left my parents; but i cried my eyes out when i left nick. =)

he's been in the seminary ever since, the formation will be another 4-6 years for him until he will be ordained. what a beautiful, blessed day that will be when, God willing, my older brother's hands will bring Jesus down from heaven and allow the bread and wine on the altar to become consecrated as the Eucharist!

because you see, that's his family now - the Church is his family, his bride, the One whom he dedicates his life to, the One for whom he has given up everything. that's Who my big brother loves.

and on saturday, for the first time, he will meet the one i love.

things that are difficult:

smiling when you don't want to just because you know it will make someone else happy.
getting up before the sun.
decisions about the future.
doctor's appointments.
hanging up the phone.
not buying something at nine west.
getting dressed with a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear.
missing family and friends.
deadlines.
seeing someone you love suffer.
realizing that you've done something wrong and apologizing.
making someone else look good.
hoping, trusting, believing.


things that are easy:

laughing with good friends.
kissing.
taking long bubble baths with candles and norah jones.
coffee dates.
rolling the windows down and turning the music up.
seeing God in nature.
reminiscing.
waking up with the sun and taking a long run.
getting a pedicure or painting your own toes.
keeping secrets.

thesis.

bubble bath.

confession.

family.

my thesis is . . . . . stressful. i changed my topic at the very last minute. after i had already gotten a head start on eucharistic theology and the sacrament as the fulfillment of jewish tradition blah blah blah . . . . changed. and the new topic is (drum roll please)

the sacrament of matrimony as a means of mutual sanctification on the parts of the spouses.

*sigh* and so i start over. maybe it will help with my preparation. but honestly, ariel and i are learning from each other more than we are from the books. sometimes i think we're really different people, but i mostly think that i'm a woman and he's a man.

my tub was naaaaaaasssty. but i scrubbed it and took a bubble bath anyway. =)

confession is really refreshing. but today while i was preparing in church, i was thinking to myself - what if confession was the other way around? what if i didn't say the bad things i did? what if i only had to say the good things i had done? well it's a good thing it's not that way because the bad outweighs the good . . . *pats self on back* workin on that one . . .

i miss my family. but my brother is coming home from seminary for a visit in a couple of weeks and i can't wait to see him. he's one of my best friends in the whole wide world. and he will meet ariel! because nick hasn't been home in a whole year! so yay!

currently listening to john mayer whenever i can. except it's mostly about breaking up, and i'm not really doing that. but his rendition of hendrix's bold as love rocks. check it out.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,

I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,

the dim of the soft lights,

the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers

and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late

and this walk that we shared together.

The streets were wet

and the gate was locked so I jumped in,

and I let you in.

And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist

and you kissed me like you meant it.

And I knew that you meant it,

that you meant it,

that you meant it,

and I knew,

that you meant it,

that you meant it.

hands down, dashboard confessional

1. ariel comes back to chicago tomorrow! i miss him like crazy . . . . and i'm going to kiss him like i mean it.

2. i talked to my best friend today for a long time. i wish i could do that every day because it's a huge pick-me-up.

3. wedding planning is . . . .

4. today is the first day in about a week that i have not cried. *pats self on back*

5. i watched all three 'back to the future' movies this week. the 'future' one takes place in 2015. *smiles*

6. another person asked me if i had a 'loaf in the oven' today. 'is that the reason you're getting married so soon?' *sigh* and she also asked me what form of contraception ariel and i would be using. 'what?!? why would you want alot of kids?!?' *sigh* we're not even married yet.

7. life is . . . .

hectic.

eventful.

scary.

but good. *smiles*

engagement picture?