o God of love, creator of life, hear our prayer. grant us the fulfillment of our dreams, a baby to cherish and protect, a child to teach and guide, a blessing to our family. amen.



so i've been thinking lately about what our baby will be like. i think it's the hardest thing in the world to imagine what your first unborn child will look like. so i gave up on that.

now i'm thinking about what kind of personalities they will have. even ariel and i were talking about it last night at dinner; which of our kids will be adventurous like him, riding roller coasters and jumping off of the stairs . . . and which will be more like their mommy, cautious, and much more likely to be found on the swings or the teacups.

and i know that children learn their behavior from their parents; i take after my dad's personality and ariel is just like his dad.

between the two of us, i hope that most of our babies turn out to be more like their daddy. ariel has such a nice personality, he's so sweet - i mean sometimes i can't stand it - he's sincere, genuine and happy-go-lucky. he's cuddly and loving ALL THE TIME. he likes to be together, he always thinks of my needs first. perfect, right?

when we went home to chicago this past weekend, my mom got out my baby book and we were reading it. first month was great, i was cute and nice and whatever. but already by six months old, i didn't want to be cuddled anymore and i was active all the time. when i was a year old i was already bossing people around and trying to do everything by myself. by the time i was two, i was doing everything by myself. i didn't need help and i didn't want it.

so along with 'dear Lord, let my baby be healthy' and 'thank you for the new life inside of me' i have now added the following prayer;

'dear Jesus, please don't let my kids have my personality. i would be okay if you blessed me with a child that had parts of mine and parts of ariel's, or a child that was just exactly like ariel. but just like me? let's not push it. thy will be done.'

but i'm afraid that my baby already has an attitude problem. otherwise why would i still be so sick all the time? *sigh*

ironically, i enjoy surrounding myself with people who have the type of personality that my husband has. this was most evident to me when we took our trip to florida in april. and there they were, my husband and my best friend, jumping around in the ocean, trying to catch fish with their bare hands. this entertained them for about 30 minutes while i sat on the beach and rolled my eyes. i love my life.

my coworker didn't come into the office until 3pm today.

it's because she was with her dad, who is still undergoing chemo.

fourth stage lung cancer, mets to the colon, kidneys and bones.

she came in and i ran into her in the kitchen. we chatted for a minute on the walk back to the office and as soon as we got into her office, i closed the door and said, 'so, how is he doing?'

she paused for a minute, and then said, 'let me put it this way. i asked him what he wanted for christmas, and he said he wanted a razor, one of those really nice ones with three blades.'

then tears filled her eyes that spilled out onto her cheeks. 'and then he said he would really like to have a suit. he said he doesn't have one. he doesn't wear them. . . .

i know why he's asking for a suit.'

and you know what? it doesn't matter how many patients i have a day that die, it doesn't matter how many hysterical loved ones i have to counsel, i have never once been unmoved by it. and today was the exact same thing. just the thought of having to buy my dad a suit for christmas in order that he could be buried in it makes my heart sink.

so i cried with her, i hugged her, i told her that i had no idea what she must be going through right now. and i really don't. i have no idea what that's like. but i do know what it's like to lose someone, both to death and to life. and God has blessed me in the past year with a huge growth in empathy for other people. i really hope that she felt a little better. even if it was just getting it out that helped her, i hope it did.




on a happy note, my heart echo went great, she said my heart looks amazing. that means there's nothing wrong with my vascular system, which lessens the chance that the baby will have vascular problems and makes the chances of dying during childbirth the same as a normal, healthy 22 year old. praise God that He spared ariel and i from these problems!

this moved me today.


"The Lord has indeed delivered me from much evil to a place of peace and rest for a time. He has shown the strength of his hand in the darkest times of my life, and even though I turned a deaf ear to his call for me so many times, he did not turn a deaf ear to my cries from the depths of sin.

He is truly almighty! I have not seen a sin is beyond his might.

May praise never leave my lips for the One who is Holy! Holy! Holy!"

of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.

Lin Yutang





ariel and i had a pretty good weekend. we got to go home to chicago and see my family, which was great because they hadn't seen ariel since the wedding and they hadn't seen me in two months. they had bought some onesies for the baby and a maternity shirt for me! it was really sweet! my sisters couldn't stop staring at my belly. at one point, anna mary put her ear on my belly and said, 'kelly! i heard the baby! it said, 'waaaa waaaaa i want a bottle'!'.

how funny it must have been for my parents to see ariel and i in a new light! my family is ecstatic about this baby.

it snowed all the way home from chicago to auburn hills. ariel and i listened to some songs from our wedding. it was nice.

we will see the baby again in two weeks. i can't wait to see how much the baby has developed! plus, then we'll know what we're having! hopefully by then i will be feeling better. i thought the nausea had subsided a bit, but then i threw up all day the next day, so . . . back to reality. any day now i should start feeling better . . . *fingers crossed*

i'm starting to look at baby cribs/strollers/changing tables. so hard to imagine that in seven more months we will have our little one in our arms.

i can't wait . . .

let's talk about maternity clothes.

first of all, i don't think they should be called, 'maternity' clothes. i dunno. something about that phrase makes me feel like i'm 50.

second of all, maternity clothes are so funny looking on the hanger. but as soon as i put those funny elastic waist pants on, i felt so comfortable. i mean, they are significantly more comfortable than regular pants. considering that it's just my belly that is popping out. my hips are still small and my waist is. (well, alright, i admit it, my love handles have gotten bigger too . .) oh, and my boobs. they're not really fitting into anything either.

nobody thinks that my belly is big except ariel and i. everyone keeps saying things like, 'i have that much fat when i'm not pregnant' or 'you don't even look pregnant'. but for me, this is a really big belly. my stomach used to flat - and it's not anymore! and that means we're having a baby! and it also means that my clothes don't fit anymore!




i've been listening to christmas music. and every time that i hear 'oh come all ye faithful', i cry. *sigh*

God is so generous with me.

and i really don't deserve any of the things that He is giving me right now.

i'm happy because He has opened my eyes to the small ways that He is loving me lately. and He has opened my heart to continue to ponder the big ways that He's loving me. here's some of the ways;




i had a really rough start to my morning today; i was not in the mood to be nice at work. and then one of my coworkers (who leaves today for a cruise) showed up because she left her cell phone in the office last night. she was the first person i saw and she made me laugh hysterically, just like she always does.

one of my other coworkers and i are getting to be really close. and she likes to hug. which i normally don't like. but lately, i love it. and i know each of those hugs is packed full of love from God.

my other friends are being really understanding that i'm just not in the mood to talk. it hasn't been a big struggle to put them on hold.

my coworkers met my husband; and the next day they all told me that he was a 'hottie'. =)

the nausea hasn't lessened, but we got to see our baby.

we got three christmas cds in the mail this week, a card from a friend and two letters from my sisters.

our finances aren't amazing, but they're good.

my car warns me when it's below 40 degrees 'ice possible; drive with care'.

traffic hasn't been that bad this week.

i get a whole week off (plus the weekends!) for christmas; and it's all pto.



He is gently calling me back to Himself. and i'm ready to go and run to Him . . .

when life had begun
i was woven and spun
you let the angels dance around your throne

woven and spun, nicole nordeman



today we saw our baby for the first time.

*tears* and i really don't have the words to express how deeply joyful i was and still am.

the first thing i thought was
look for the heartbeat. please God, let us see the heartbeat.

"sometimes we can't see them this early", our friend said. "or it won't look like much, but it's worth a try."

as she put it on my belly and started looking around she said, "there's your little munchkin."

and there it was. a little head, a round body - and a heartbeat.

the longer that we looked at it, the more joyful i became. and i was thanking God, praising Him for allowing our love to be creative, praising Him that our baby has a strong heartbeat, praising Him for letting ariel and i enjoy this together. (when you're married to a doctor, you just assume that your spouse will miss out on some things - but he didn't miss out - we were right there together.)

and the longer that i looked at it i started to think; imagine how excited i am, how joyful i am to be seeing this little baby growing inside of me. this whole time, i was going on faith, trusting that everything was being taken care of, believing even though i didn't see. and when i finally did see, what joy completely overcame my whole soul . . .

and then i imagined my death - and my judgment - and finally seeing the One that i had believed in even though i hadn't seen . . .

how peaceful our baby looks. so peaceful. my heart grew by leaps and bounds today for the pro-life movement, who attempt to keep that peace uninterrupted.


today i think that our baby will be the most loved child ever to have been born. i think that every child that the Lord blesses us with will be the luckiest child in the world to be loved as much as we love this baby today.

and i love ariel. i loved him so much when he was standing there next to me - i always used to ask myself, 'how do you love your spouse more when you have kids together'? but now i think i understand.

we met our baby today. i think this is the happiest feeling i've ever had. even just to know that my body will allow a baby to grow until the heart starts beating - it's quite possibly the greatest gift i have ever received.

mike and bekah's wedding was yesterday.


and it was a.ma.zing.


aside from my own, i have never been so spiritually fulfilled by attending a wedding. it was perfect.


they did the litany of the saints right before they said their vows. i wish we would have done that. it really got me thinking about the communion of saints and the sanctity of marriage. ya know, there are alot of saints that were married. i'm going to look into that some more.


and because it was God's plan, mike and bekah will be staying in michigan a bit longer than we thought they would. which ariel and i are so excited about. because they are such a beautiful couple and they really deserve one another. we love you guys!


and when i was getting ready for the wedding, i was trying on some dresses (none of which fit just like they used to) and i put on one of my favorite red dresses and there it was. my belly. big. i mean big. too big for nine weeks. my mom thinks it's because i'm so skinny, ariel thinks it's because we're having twins. i told him never to say that word again.

either way, i was happy, i'll admit it. because at least now there's something to show for all of the crap i've been going through.

remember that you have only one soul; that you have only one death to die; that you have only one life. . . . if you do this, there will be many things about which you care nothing.

st. teresa of avila




we've had this conversation a few times;

i think i'm really smart.

but today someone told me something that sent my pride running for the door.

earlier in the day one of my coworkers came into my office to eat her lunch. she was eating some mediterannean food, but all i could smell were the onions and garlic. and it was making me sick. i mean i was ready to puke. as i was walking out the door to run to the bathroom, she stopped me and said, 'hunny? is my food making the baby sick?' i just looked at her and said, 'maybe the next time that you eat that kind of food, you could eat somewhere else other than in here.' i was surprised at my own lack of tact.

twenty minutes later the food had been cleared away and she wasn't in my office anymore. but one of my other co workers who had witnessed my thoughtless words was there. my supervisor came in and said, 'which one of you wants to teach *the woman whose head i just bit off* how to use her pager?' my other coworker was busy - 'i'll do it', i said reluctantly.

*sidenote* i always feel bad when i'm trying to teach older people how to do things that are somewhat advanced technologically. i try to be as patient as i can because i know that it's probably intimidating to them. plus, i figure it will come back around to me when i'm older and some nice young girl will teach me how to use my whatever newly developed tech thing.

when i was done teaching her how to use it, i walked back into my office and looked at my coworker who was still sitting there. 'you know what?', i said. ' i think that the Lord gives me so many opportunities to repair the wrong that i've done. and that's a blessing.'

she looked up at me and said, 'kelly, if i had been blessed with the amount of wisdom that you have when i was your age, it would have saved me alot of heartache. God really blessed you with wisdom beyond your years. and that's your gift, that's your talent. and it makes me in awe of the Lord's blessings.'



it feels alot better to give credit where it is due. and it is due to our generous Lord, who has truly blessed me with every good thing that i could never have imagined. and so i stand amazed.

i have been voted off the island.

i wanted to turn on 100.3 on the radio again at work today.

not one of my co workers backed me up.

so much for real friends.

well the sun is slowly sinking down
but the moon is slowly rising.
this old world must still be spinnin' round
and i still love you.

lullaby



i really don't know what i'd do without my mom. she is an absolute lifesaver.

i hate it that i live so far from her. especially now that i'm pregnant.

i talk to my mom every single day, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes for an hour. it's not that my mom is the only person in the world who can calm me down (although there aren't many). it's just the way that she does it.

it's funny, my mom and i have such different personalities, but if she weren't my mom, i still think we'd be friends.

and she loves my husband. after all, he's the one she had prayed for my whole life. she loves our baby. she told me she doesn't care that she'll be a grandma before she's 50 - she is so excited for this new blessing from God.

i remember when ariel and i had to be long distance; it was so hard. huge phone bills, huge milleage on the cars, huge heartaches. some days were great, optimism took over. but then there were the long days, the days where i would cry and the thought of him being 500 miles away.

and now, i'm right in the middle of my long distance relationship with my mom. and today, as i'm counting the miles apart, i miss her more than anything in the whole world. *tears*

i hope my baby misses me like this someday . . .

last night at bible study i had rice, filipino barbeque and soup. then i topped it all off with ice cream completely covered in whipped cream (courtesy of ariel - i was happy that he remembered that i like alot of whipped cream).

and today, i'm paying for every single bite.

it's 7pm right now, we're watching the game. and this is the first hour that has passed without me throwing up since i woke up this morning. almost every hour i've been awake, i've thrown up.

i'm worried about the baby - i hope that he/she is getting enough nutrients! how are you supposed to grow a baby on toast and crackers?

ariel came home instead of going to mike's bachelor party - he came home and held me when i was crying, and kissed me on the cheek when i had puke breath, and right now he's cooking dinner for both of us. he'll never know how much things like that mean to me. sometimes i think that God gave us an intense love for one another to make up for the time issue (the fact that ariel and i haven't been together very long). because right now, there's not a doubt in my mind that ariel would do anything for me - he's trying everything he can do to make me feel better. all i can hope is that i can be just like him, that i can love just like ariel loves, so simply but totally.

the lady in my office that was wearing miniskirts and four inch heels through her 38th week of pregnancy came in today - with her new baby! and even though i wanted to criticize her for taking that baby outside of the house when he is only two weeks old, all i could do was stare at the baby! he was so tiny he looked fake!and he was just sleeping - i was touching his head and his feet and this kid wasn't waking up for anything.



it made my whole day.

=)

i think the Lord knew that i needed to see that little baby. so even though it was a bad idea to bring him out into the cold office, i am so thankful that she did.

thanks, Jesus.