i am madly in love with my daughter.
she's just perfect, every single little thing about her. physically, she is so beautiful. i still shake my head and wonder where she came from, how something so perfect and amazing grew inside of me, and came from me. she's looking at me right now from her bouncy chair (thanks ellen!), her big brown eyes seem to be hanging on my every movement. and i'll do absolutely anything to see that gummy smile.
she got her first pictures taken last week, and there were a few times that i looked up at the screen in olan mills and thought, for a split second, that i saw myself in her. eyes that seem a little bit too big for her head (don't worry, izzy! you'll grow into them!), perfect circle-shaped head . . . chills. and what is striking to me is what a gift she is, in so many ways. she has blessed our marriage, blessed our home, blessed our thoughts and actions . . . i know that God has so much purpose for her. one purpose, perhaps, that has been provoking my thoughts lately is that maybe the Lord sent izzy to me to show me how precious i was. life can be the greatest adventure and the greatest heartbreak all at once; and i think i get caught up easily in letting whatever happens to me define my worth. and as a woman i think it's especially easy to take everything out silently on yourself. i'm not good enough. i'm not pretty enough. i'm not kind enough. but the reality is, as i see it in my daughter, i am the best gift that anyone could ever have received. i'm the most beautiful girl in the whole world. and no matter how much i fuss and cry, i'm a really nice person. and for me, it's just been an intimate, take-a-look-at-yourself-under-a-microscope experience that hasn't resulted in self-criticism. and at this point it's not as much of an ego boost as it is an observation. and maybe that's one reason i wanted a boy so badly, because on some sub-conscious level, i knew that having a girl would end up making me take a long hard look at myself, and i wasn't up for that.
ariel and i were talking the other day about protecting her. i think the best way to protect her is to arm her with knowledge. but how do i do that without over-informing her? common sense goes a long way. but how do i explain men to her? luckily, her daddy is exactly the kind of man i'd want for her. he's not perfect, but he has done so much in the right way. so i can always point to him, which is really a dream come true for a mama raising a daughter. i guess it comes down to the fact that i want her to learn from my mistakes. so right now i'm going to build a relationship of trust with her so that she'll trust what i tell her in the end. but for today, i just keep losing sleep over how i'm going to tell her that things are not always what they seem . . .
my first anniversary is coming up. seems like we've changed so much since then. one thing's for sure; i'm right where i'm supposed to be.
Lord, teach me to know You, so that in knowing You, i will love You, and that in loving You, i will serve You, and that in serving You, i will glorify Your name.
posted by kelly betsy @ 8:59 AM
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