"now here’s the sun come to dry the rain
warm my shoulders and relieve my pain."

i'd rather be with you, joshua radin


i want to be healthy for my baby. but it's becoming increasingly difficult. the heavier she gets, the worse my pain is. long days have always left me in alot of pain, but now every day at around 3 in the afternoon, i feel like i can't finish the day.

pain is a funny thing; it's often hard to explain and as a result it is hard to understand. when i had izzy, they gave me anesthetic to numb the lower half of my body before the c-section. and that was the first time in 11 years that i've been pain-free - and it was awesome. and because it's hard for me to describe what the pain feels like or what it does to me, i put my efforts into describing what it was like to feel no pain at all. free. ecstatic. awesome.

mentally, pain is even more intense than it is physically. it's the ultimate 'mind over matter', trying to force your body to do something that it feels like it can't do, which most people have to do a couple of times in their lifetime; long distance running, carrying something heavy while moving . . . but when you have chronic pain, it's an every single day occurance. it gets old.

the most pain i've felt recently is from a compression fracture in my spine that is between my shoulder blades. compression fractures are frequently seen in women who are over 50, as they are commonly a result of osteoperossis. *sigh* it's completely abnormal for someone my age, which says to me that it was hand-picked for me. but at this point i'm feeling that i can't handle it the way i'd like to because the pain is just too much to handle. i've found myself laughing at the phrase, "God doesn't give you any more than you can take", because this feels like more than i can take. and i try to offer up the pain for different intentions, which for me means not allowing anyone to know how much pain i'm in. because it's a greater sacrifice that way. but there has been a point every single day during the past two weeks where i say, "i can't. i can't do it anymore. and i can't offer it up." i hate it because i think of all of the intentions that i have. . . . so much to pray for and so little time.

when i was a little girl, i read a book full of stories about martyrs. it was so impressive to me. and there was a statement in that book that has stayed with me ever since: "martyrs are revered because they proved their great love of God in the most extreme way possible; by dying for Him." and after reading that i prayed, Lord, let me be a martyr. let me prove my love for You by dying for You. that was when i was 12 years old. providentially, that was the year that my pain started.

so i guess He gave me my martyrdom. and i have to take it as a challenge for me to prove with my heart what i speak with my lips. and from here on out that means calcium, pain meds and prayer. lots of prayer.

the best way out is always through.
- robert frost

i have never ever had to work hard to lose weight. in fact, now that i'm sitting here thinking about it, i haven't really had to work hard for things that most people struggle to attain. that fact is a blessing, although it doesn't mean that i've had an easy life.

never once have i struggled with any type of weight issue, and for that i'm grateful. i know too many women who have felt the pressure of the world deeply, the pressure that makes them hate the body that they've been given and feel trapped by it. i understand their struggle in a sympathetic sense because of my loved ones who have been affected by it, but i have no personal sense of it.

i'm not trying to lose weight for anybody else but myself. i want to be able to say that i'm back to my wedding weight. i want to know that i'm capable of working my butt off to stay in shape. ariel couldn't care less, but i know he'll appreciate it. my friends love me regardless. and the world can kiss my oversized butt. i want to exercise my self control, i want to be healthy for my children and i want to have a higher energy level.

i gained 45 lbs during my pregnancy. and 12 weeks later, i've shed all but 10 of it. but this last 10 lbs is killing me. and i'd like to say, 'no matter how hard i work for it . . .', but that wouldn't be true. because i'm not really working for it at all. well not until last week.

one of my friends doesn't eat any fried food or chocolate, among other things, to stay in shape.

i gave up fried food for three days, just to see how effective it is; i lost 4 lbs. which put me at 10 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight.

so here are my resolutions to get rid of this pain-in-the-ass 10 lbs:

1. eat two small meals and one larger one per day.
2. drink lots of water.
3. walk four times a week for at least 30 mins. shopping doesn't count. neither does cleaning.
4. fried food once a week. (hey, rome wasn't built in a day)

because there isn't a way out of this but to go right through it, and to work my butt off for it.