our visit home rocked! my mom is still really sick, but i think it really lifted her spirits to see ariel and i. she laughed and joked a bit more - she looked good. my sisters were so excited to see us too, and my dad made us his famous shrimp creole! *smiles* it's always worth the five hour drive to go see them. and once we get there, it seems like they live next door, like the time that we spent in the car was really only five minutes.

ariel never ceases to amaze me in his sacrificial and self-giving love for me. when nina was here, i barely paid any attention to him at all, and he never once complained, even though he had just got off of his night float and the two of us hadn't really spent any time with one another in a while. i told him that i wanted to go home and he drives five hours without blinking. he always waits for me to tell him where i want to eat, or where i want to sit at church.

anyway i guess i'm done wondering why he loves me so much. because lately, i have just been standing in complete awe, not thinking about the question of why he loves me, but at the realization that he loves me as much as he does.

and then it makes me think: if he loves me so much that he would literally do anything for me . . . ariel, with all of his good qualities and flaws, his piety and his sinfulness . . . how much then, must the Lord, who, in all of His perfection and omnipotence chose to lay down His life for me once and chooses again to lay it down for me every minute of every day . . . how much must He, my King, who has the ultimate capactiy to love because He is love . . . how much must He love me. i think that's why our gracious Lord gave us the experience of another person's love. because i don't know how you could really experience it (not superficially, of course, but deeply and with an intense emotional intimacy) and not realize that it's so big, and so powerful. i am completely convinced that love, better than any other experience, points direcly to a Creator and a Lover of souls.

*shrugs* yeah, so with my two favorite boys loving me so much, i guess today is going to be a pretty good day. and so will tomorrow . . .

"can't you see that its just raining
aint no need to go outside...
but baby, you hardly even notice
when I try to show you this
song that's meant to keep you
from doing what you're supposed to,
like waking up too early
maybe we can sleep in.
i'll make you banana pancakes
pretend like its the weekend now.
and we could pretend it all the time, yeah,
can't you see that its just raining
aint no need to go outside."

banana pancakes, jack johnson

ariel and i are going home tomorrow to my parent's house. i'm so eager to see them, especially since my mom is still sick. she is scheduled to stay at mayo for a week or so beginning on november 7th, so we're really hoping that they will have more answers for us. my sisters will be so happy to see ariel, they love him! hopefully we'll get some good pictures this time.


i got all the way to the grocery today, only to open my purse and realize that my debit was not there. so i drove all the way home and found it in my pants pocket. the pants i was wearing the whole time. *rolls eyes*

the movie amelie is really weird. i don't think i like it.

i'm supposed to be on fall break, but it's not much of a break when i have more homework to do than anyone i know. in fact, i spend more time doing that than anything else. *sighs*

i'm making dinner for ariel tonight and i have to get started on it.

"healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity."
hippocrates

what a whirlwind couple of days! i don't think it has quite set in yet that my best friend was just here.

i think we spent most of the time telling ariel funny stories of our friendship (but nina, we forgot the pirate story!) and standing in awe of how much our lives have changed since the last time we were together.

some things will never change. nina will always have more than one shirt on. i will never stop telling her my every thought about contemporary politics. we will always share new songs with each other and form our own car band with the air guitar and air drums, cruising down 94, i'll be yelling at other drivers and nina will be waving to old men. i'll always wake up early and she'll always sleep in.

i think we're learning that the Lord has more in mind for both of us than we ever could have imagined two years ago. and that's what changes us. the changes that have occurred could not have been anticipated because they weren't in our minds - they were in the Lord's plan for us from the beginning of time. the healing that takes place within His most holy will automatically betters us. and taking advantage of Him revealing His will to us always results in healing and recreation.

and it's so comforting to know that she has been in His plan this whole time, that He would choose to reunite us and renew our hearts for Him through one another.

*sigh* may God bless and keep you all - 'nite

"on the way home this car hears my confession
i think tonight i'll take the long way.
this weather, the wind outside is biting
it's left me feeling tired and exposed."

the sharp hint of new tears, dashboard confessional

nina comes tomorrow! i seriously can't wait! it has been making me emotional lately, though. example: today ariel and i went to johnny rocket's for lunch. i had the chicken club (bacon, lettuce, tomato, chicken and sourdough bread) and i don't remember what ariel had. i was telling ariel about nina and i, the history that i have with that girl. i got through the entire story without eating a bite of the second half of my sandwich. there was a pause in the conversation and i picked up a piece of bacon and i was thinking to myself about how valuable her friendship is to me. and so there i am, in johnny rockets with a mouthful of bacon, crying. it was pathetic.

nothing could ever explain the history of grace, forgiveness and joy that i have with her - except maybe the sacrifice of the cross and the continuation of our relationships with the Lord. and that rocks my world!

LAST DAY OF ARIEL'S NIGHT FLOAT!!!!! i'm so happy, it was the hardest shift he's worked in a long time i think. and in 12 hrs it's officially over!

most romantic movies in the whole world -

the notebook: nothing better than a couple who has been married forever, have been through so much and die in each other's arms
"if you're a bird, i'm a bird."

when harry met sally: a friend knows you well, sees you at your very worst and professes his love for you on new years eve.
"i came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

an affair to remember: this is a classic, the playboy who falls in love with the school teacher who is in an accident the day that she's supposed to meet him at the empire state building to get married.
"there must be something between us, even if it's only an ocean. "

when a man loves a woman: as depressing as this movie can be, it's an excellent portrayal of the love through thick and thin
"my wife is an alcoholic. best person I ever met. she has 600 different smiles. they can light up your life. they can make you laugh out loud, just like that. they can even make you cry, just like that. that's just with her smiles. you'd have to see her with her kids. you'd have to see how they look at her, when she's not looking. "

return to me: this movie is aboslute handsome prince on a white horse that loves you so much he'll forgive your avoiding the truth and chase after you when you run away =)
"i miss elizabeth. i'll always miss her. but i ache for grace."

city of angels: auuuggghhh i know what you're thinking . . . 'what a theologian' right? well even though this movie sucks theologically, it's creative - but they could have chosen a better looking angel.
"i would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. one."

cinderella: i LOVE this one - by far my favorite classic disney movie.
"do you love me because i'm beautiful, or am i beautiful because you love me?"

sleepless in seattle: everyone says this is a modern version of an affair to remember, but they're so different - both classics - most appealing aspect: out of all of the letters and calls he receives, he picks her!
"i knew it the very first time i touched her. it was like coming home... only to no home i'd ever known... i was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and i knew. it was like... magic."

*sighs* that was a fun study break. back to homework now. *sad face*

in my family, we have a song for everything. when my mom was giving birth, instead of having someone coach her breathing, she listened to classical music to focus her breathing. so each one of us has a birth song. we each have a favorite christmas song that my mom sings to us every year. we have a car song for whoever got to sit shot gun while my mom was driving. and we each have a lullaby. this is mine.

"well the sun is surely sinking down,
but the moon is slowly rising.
so this old world must still be spinning round
and i still love you.

so close your eyes,
you can close your eyes, it's all right.
i don't know no love songs
and i can't sing the blues anymore.
but i can sing this song
and you can sing this song when i'm gone.

it won't be long before another day,
we're gonna have a good time.
and no one's gonna take that time away.
you can stay as long as you like.

so close your eyes,
you can close your eyes, it's all right.
i don't know no love songs
and i can't sing the blues anymore.
but i can sing this song
and you can sing this song when i'm gone."

you can close your eyes, james taylor

our first snow was yesterday!

i like snow for the first week or so that it snows. maybe i just like the idea of snow. i like to look at it from inside of my nice warm house, drinking a cup of coco, in my shorts and tube top . . .

but when you have to be out in it, when it gets all over the back of your jeans and then you have to change your pants . . . when it gets all over the house and on your coat and then you have to go out and drive through it and it takes forever and it's too slippery to drive fast . . .

*shrugs* so i guess i don't really like snow. but i like the idea.

"the most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious." albert einstein

1. ariel brought me flowers today. and chocolate! what a perfect surprise on such an ugly day! *sigh* i'm such a lucky girl.

2. grad school! auuugggghhhh! i think it's just as stressful as it was in high school trying to decide where to go, trying to decide what God wants . . . right now i don't really know. i just know that if i'm going to do it, i want to do it before i have a family, because i think it would be significantly more difficult doing it while i have kids around. my five year plan keeps changing!

3. i still love tube tops. but they still turn into belts when you sleep in them.

4. today, after ariel brought me flowers, i wanted to wear my 'i heart dr. ponce' tshirt. it rocks.

5. my hair is getting so long. it hasn't been this long in several years. hopefully it keeps me warm in the winter. except that's ariel's job.

6. i hope the leaves stay until nina gets here.

7. i miss singing =( hopefully i can sing again this year at midnight mass! that would rock!

i called nina at her apartment tonight.

"nina" :"hello?"
me: "heeeeeeyyyy"
"nina" : "hi, who's this?"
me: "oh, do you not recognize my sexy voice?"

yeah. it was her roommate rachel. *shakes head* good one.

i think i might meet ariel's parents this weekend. i know, we keep pushing it further back because different things keep coming up. nervous is not really a big enough word to describe how i feel about it. terrified or horrified is a bit closer. . .

i was so homesick last night. sometimes i think that while i'm there, i treat it all as a responsibility and so i don't get a chance to take advantage of it. and then i'm gone for a month or so and i really start missing my sisters and my parents. i don't know how my little bro does it, living in georgia. at least i am close enough to go home when i need to. i always get homesick around the time of halloween/thanksgiving/christmas. *shrugs* don't know why, i'm always excited to leave there when i'm living there. but i miss them all so much this week.

nine more days until nina is here! nine more days until chocolate, kettle corn, beer and margaritas, noodles, laughing and crying and praising the Lord! it's been a year and a half since we've really hung out, and i CAN'T WAIT!!

sometimes ariel and i play this game we call the 'things i love about you' game. i can't remember which one of us made it up, but it's one of my favorites. we take turns naming three things that we love about the other person. it rocks my world sometimes to be able to tell him how grateful i am for who he is. *sigh* God really blessed me with ariel. i love the sunrise, i love the ocean at night, and i really love blueberries . . . but i don't think anything brings me more joy, nothing can allow me to experience the intimate love of the Creator like the love of another person.

someone sent me this on my facebook. *rolls eyes*


^^^^^^^^^^^
SEXY BITCH TRUCK '""";..,___.
_..._...________==== ___..., ]
"(@ )'(@ )""""*(@)(@ )*****(@)

ONCE YOU'VE BEEN HIT BY THE SEXY BITCH TRUCK, YOU HAVE TO HIT 8 sexybitches, IF YOU GET HIT AGAIN YOU'LL KNOW YOURE REALLY a sexy bitch! IF YOU BREAK THE cHAIN,YOULL BE CURSED WITH UGLYNESS FOR 10 YEARS SO PASS IT HIT WHO EVER YOU THINK IS a sexy bitch

"what will this fix
you know you're not a quick forgive
and i wont sleep through this
i survive on the breath you are finished with

you can be mad in the morning
i'll take back what i said
just dont leave me alone here
its cold baby
come back to bed . . . ."

come back to bed, john mayer

*sigh* ariel and i went to mass today at our lady of the lakes. the priest took the readings, which were about the creation of woman as a suitable companion for man, and came up with a homily about forgiveness. maybe he knew that women sometimes have a difficult time letting go of grudges or maybe he just knew that ariel and i had had an argument the night before . . . either way, i knew that the Lord was telling me exactly what i needed but didn't want to hear.

it lead me to pray about mercy as a fruit of love - and i concluded that it has to be His mercy that convinces me of His love every single day. the confidence that i have that no matter what He will always forgive me. but it doesn't just end at the forgiveness - He completely forgets any hurt that i have caused and washes me clean again with His generosity. that's how i want to be toward everyone, but especially the ones that i care about the most.

but in the end i guess a good hug and some butterfly kisses seem to make everything better.

midterms are almost over . . . just in time for nina to come up so we can white girl dance in celebration. and then amanda, we can air drum to red red wine and mexico. love you girls, good to talk with you!

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival." - C. S. Lewis


this is a copy of an email that my best friend sent me yesterday that really moved me to recognize that along with the challenges that the Lord sends us, He also sends us the people and things that we need to be able to survive and come out on top. you can never anticipate the changes that the Lord has in store for someone's life - but my friend's life is proof that when it comes to surviving life and all of its ups and downs, only the true, sacrificial, life-giving love given to us from the cross is capable of helping us all to overcome our own weaknesses and, in turn, enables us to open our arms to another person to offer him that same merciful generosity.



"Hey,Thank you so much for calling me! I will most deffinitely make a point to watch the show, I might even have Julie tape it.

Last year I thought a lot about what I would do in the future about telling people about my eating disorder. I knew that last year was not the appropriate time because it was not under enough control yet. But I always imagined myself speaking on the subjects to women througout the country. I would at least like to give my testamony to my fellow students here but can't imagine that going over well. You are right about people just simply not understanding. I really think that you have to have walked it to know what it is like. But I also think that people should not have to hide it or be left in the dark about the true facts of eating disorders. I think that the bravery that it takes to tell someone that you do struggle with it is one of the biggest steps to recovery. One of the biggest struggles that keeps people in their eating disorders sometime for years and years, is the shame that comes along with it. All the women that I know with eating disorders are unbearably ashamed of themselves and of their disorder. I have been so blessed in the last few years to have gained so much confidence in myself that I am not ashamed anymore because I know to a certain extent that the shame itself is feeding my eating disorder.

People talk about alcoholism all the time and eating disorders are always hush hush. I think that at first it would be increadably difficult to tell your story just because there is so little information out there for the public. Opinions have already been established and peoples criticisms come to the surface easily, but I think it is out of ignorance.If they knew what it was really like, what really goes on in the minds of the people with the disorder they would want the whole world to know. In some sense eating disorders are a private matter but in many ways the information about them NEEDS to be adamently thrust upon the public ears and eyes! They need to know the signs and symptoms and how to deal. The women who struggle need to know that there is help and they are not alone.

1 in 3 teenage women struggle from eating disorders. Most women who have struggled once will continue in their symptoms for the rest of their lives. Even guys have eating disorders. In fact it is not entirely uncommon for most guys to struggle at some point with body image and controling their food intake. most do it because of sports and not because of the reasons that women do it...but they still do it. Even my dad told me that when he was a senior in highschool and a wrestler, his coach wanted him to wrestle at the weight class he was not in so he had one fresca a day at lunch for something like 4 weeks, until he made it to the weight class his coach wanted him in. By the end of the 4 weeks he could barely even wrestle. This happens all the time in highschool and college.

People don't understand and trust me it SUCKS... I have struggled with Julie for over a year now just because she doesn't understand. But that doesn't mean that they shouldn't know. In fact I think that it means even more just how much people need to be told. They need to be informed. They need to know what to do and when to do it. You were great Kelly. I don't know what I would have done if you had not done for me what you did. But (as you well know...) there are far too few Kelly Carlsons in the world. Most people just stand by and watch their friends kill themselves. Most people don't know what to do because they themselves have similar problems. Most people who are willing to take action don't do it soon enough and aren't willing to wait it out through all of the hell that takes place. Most people are not willing to sacrifice what you were to help the people that they love.It frustrates me when husbands play the role that, "Well I love my wife so I want her to do whatever makes her happy, even if that is killing herself." When does the cost of our desire for autonomy catch up with us? When does our desire for what we think we want and need get to be to much? When it effects our children? When it effects our husbands? When we have lost so much weight? When we are on the verge of death? When does what we want go beyond reason? When does what we want need to be overruled with what is actually good for us? When does someone step in? These are all things that few are willing to address. And more need to! Eventually I want to... someday! Maybe I will write a book like Katie Gesto. Maybe someday i will tell my story. I just hope by that time it is not too late. That the public opinion isn't so far gone that there is no redeeming peoples thoughts on eating disorders. I want other women who struggle with it to know that there is hope and healing and love for them. Everyone needs to know that right.

WHOA... so this is very long and whew I just get so excited and worked up! I crack myself up!! Hope you enjoyed my rant! Hopefully it gives you somewhat of an insight into what I think!

Hurray for best friends! Thank you for everything that you have done for me and the love that you have shown me! By showing me that I am lovable, by showing me the love of Christ, you helped save my life!Now it is my turn!!

have a great day Kel!
I love you!"
http://medlineplus.gov/
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.orghttp://
www.nimh.nih.gov/

*sigh* i hate that ariel has to work nights. what a crappy rotation. and it just makes everything complicated. ariel and i rarely fight, but when he's on nights, it seems like a challenge for both of us.

my mom is still very sick. please pray for her quick healing and also that the doctors will be guided by the Holy Spirit.

my little bro has a new girlfriend! i'm happy for him! they couldn't decide whether or not to pursue a relationship so they prayed a rosary in front of the Blessed Sacrament and put it in Our Lady's hands! i can't wait to hear all about it, he's adorable and deserves the absolute best girl in the whole world.

i'm exausted and i'm going to bed soon. hopefully i will be able to get some sleep. sleep is the ultimate gift from God, a brief escape from the chaos. *rubs eyes* 'nite

"neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. love, love, love, that is the soul of genius." wolfgang amadeus mozart

i saw one of my old friends on tv a couple of nights ago. i couldn't believe it really, it is so weird to see a friend on the tv. i turned it up and heard her say, "i had lost about 30 pounds in 3 short months." she was on a commercial for an investigative report on anorexia.

it is such a common disease, but it breaks my heart every time that i hear about someone i know that struggles with it. praise the Lord, i have never struggled with an eating disorder of any kind. my insecurities manifest themselves in different ways i suppose. but the point is that everyone has them. in one way or another, we all commit a sort of spiritual fornication against the Lord and ultimately against ourselves. i feel for women who have that disease; because it is so difficult to be raised in the world where the standards are backwards. this friend of mine that was on tv is so beautiful, and she felt like she wasn't good enough.

but the good news is that it is only the love of Jesus that will accomplish the change in our lives that is necessary to build up our confidence as women. His love is the genius behind the healing of hearts and the conversion of souls. priase Him!