"breathe in for luck
breathe in so deep.
this air is blessed
you share with me.
this night is wild
so calm and dull.
these hearts they race
from self-control."

hands down, dashboard confessional

lately, when i've woken up in the morning, the first thought that hits me . . . well, okay second because the first is usually 'i have to pee' or 'coffee'. . . so the second thought that hits me is that this is one of the best times of my life. i'm happier than i have been in such a long time. and the greatest thing is that i've got more going on than ever before, with my family and ariel and my friends' lives . . . but i'm so at peace, i'm so happy! i'm a bit tired . . . but i'm happy!

my life isn't perfect, but i am really happy. here are some things that i want to change

1. get into shape! uuggghhh i'm not overweight or anything i'm just thin and not in shape. for me, it's not about what i eat it's just that i should be running again or at least continuing yoga.
2. i want to say my night prayers. i've been bad about it lately, and i need to keep it up.
3. i want to dress well every day. i was good at it in the beginning of the year and now i'm back to sweats every day.
4. i want to keep in better touch with my far away friends. i love you all so much!
5. keep my house clean! all the time! it mostly is until i get stressed!

well i guess that's not all, but it's a good list for now.

ariel and i have an advent program, to prepare our hearts for christmas. most of it is going to mass more often (daily mass), confession . . . but my favorite one is that we're going to attempt to clean up our mouths. not that we curse all the time, but our humor is often flavored with a few explitives. so we're trying to cut that out. *shrugs* we'll see how it goes. it's kind of funny because we both feel like we have to practice a few weeks before advent because four weeks to try to stop cursing doesn't seem like enough, so we're already starting. *smiles*

it's so hard to try and find religious christmas cards. it's all 'happy holidays' and 'let it snow'. there weren't any 'God bless you this christmas' or 'peace on earth good will to all'. and i hate that. i can't send a happy holidays card to everyone. i just can't bring myself to do it. it's like ignoring the whole purpose of christmas.

and hilary swank looks like a man.

"please, just come back home,
and don't say that you're sorry
and i won't say i told you so."

i told you so, keith urban

i can't believe that thanksgiving is next week. every year, i'm done with christmas shopping by thanksgiving because i hate and i mean hate the christmas crowds.

the day after thanksgiving, my mom and all of her sisters (she's one of 12 kids, 7 girls and 5 boys) and all of my cousins that are over 16 go downtown chicago to go shopping. i don't know how many of you have been to chicago around the holidays, but i guess it's like your regular mall except outdoor (which in chicago means 20 degrees and wind chill of -15) and the number of people is unbelievable. you can barely squeeze by people on the sidewalk. sounds like fun, right?

the only thing that redeems it for me is that we have lunch under the tree at macy's, which is formerly fields. they have this giant three story tree that they decorate with a different theme each year, swarovski crystals, nutcracker etc. it's inside of macy's and it's a chicago tradition to eat lunch under the tree (and lunch is, like everything else in the city, horribly overpriced). i am like a little kid when we go there. there is really nothing better to get me into the christmas spirit. there's christmas music and family is around . . . hot apple cider and coffee with bailey's. . . *shrugs* the older that i get the more i don't mind the crowds as much as long as i can have that special time with my family. i miss them so much!

"i've been wrong, but i've been changing
i've been wondering what to do.
here i am alone and waiting
for you."

waiting, the wreckers

okay, three things;
1. i'm so tired today, i barely slept because i was coughing all night. and the coughing kills my back. really regretting getting off of pain meds.
2. i've been coughing so much that my abs hurt. i guess i am living proof that you can be thin and in the worst shape of your life at the same time. *pats self on back* i gotta hit the gym.
3. i am going to adoration today, the Lord hasn't had much to say to me lately, but i kinda like Him anyway.
4. okay, it's more than three things
5. i'm pumped for gray's anatomy tonight. it's the only show that i camp out in front of the tv for.
6. ariel and i don't argue often. in fact, we laugh significantly more than we argue. a couple of days ago, i imitated the face that he makes every single time he looks in the mirror. we were both bent over and holding our bellies because we were laughing so hard. *smiles*
7. sometimes i think that i would take back the last four years if i could to change my choices and see how everything would have turned out. i mean, if ariel and i were made for each other, wouldn't we find each other anyway? if it was in God's plan? *scratches head* i don't think i would risk it.
8. life is wonderful.

"just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again."

here it goes, ok go

okay, let's talk about sex. *sigh* as my friend nina will tell you, it's one of my favorite topics of discussion. . . .

i don't know what's worse - being unmarried and trying not to have sex or being married and trying not to have sex. you know what i mean? when you're unmarried, you try so hard to keep as much as you can for the night of the wedding. and it's tough. i don't mean fasting on ash wednesday tough, because at least you know that you can catch up on all of your eating the next day. no, it's far more difficult than that. and if you're married and trying to abstain, it's gotta be tough too.

but is it more difficult when you're married? because if you've already been exposed to it, is it more difficult to abstain from it?

from where i'm at right now, i think it's harder to be unmarried and abstain. for a normal married couple, they only have to abstain for a few days at a time. but for those of us who aren't married, it's this struggle that seems to have no end in sight.

the good news is that your ability to abstain is a true testament to your ability to love someone, regardless of whether or not you are married. true love is true self-sacrifice. and true self-sacrifice is rooted in appreciation of the value of that person, and gratitude upon that recognition.

*shrugs* okay, back to homework.

"there's no combination of words i could put on the back of a postcard
no song that i could sing but i can try for your heart.
our dreams, and they are made out of real things
like a, shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving."

better together, jack johnson

*sigh* i love it when ariel is on a normal schedule, when he's not working nights. even though he still doesn't have alot of time, it's better than no time!

i have been thinking more about sin and grace. i understand wanting to put off living a life of grace until you've had all the fun that you want to have. from a worldly point of view, there's no point in rejecting the things of the world when there is no material reward.

but the thing about grace and sin is that if i sacrifice the experience of fun or temporary fulfillment and instead choose to live a more temperate lifestyle, it's not an absence of fun or temporal fulfillment that takes place, but an upholding of real love in excess. if i choose to sacrifice a certain lifestyle, i'm not focusing on it becoming a deficit of any kind (like i'm missing out on something); i'm only focused on the fact that i am rejecting the temporal goods of this world in order to seek after a higher good, which ultimately results in having an excess of love, which is self-sacrifice. it's amazing that the more i practice true, sacrificial love, the more it increases in me, and that that love is not hallmark-love, but a virtue that lasts both here and eternally.

and that's what i want - i want that virtue so that i can live love, as an all-encompassing and always faithful spiritual virtue that will bring everyone eventually to an experience of the Lord.

but right now, i want a turkey ranch and swiss sub from quiznos. or some blueberries.