wherever you go, i will follow
wherever you live is my home
though days be of blessing or sorrow
though house be of canvas or stone

okay, kelly, pull it together.
breathe.
they didn't hire you to cry, they hired you to sing.
so sing.

like abram and sarah we stand
with only a promise in hand.
so lead where you dream, i will follow
to dream with you is my delight.

don't think about it, don't think.
wait, yeah, think. think about the white sox.
baseball.
work.
funerals.
just don't think.

wherever you die, i will be there
to sing you to sleep with a psalm
to sooth you with tales of our journey
your fears and your doubts i will calm.
we'll live when journeys are done
forever in mem'ry as one.
and we will be buried together,
and waken to greet a new dawn.

i don't think i can do much more.
pull through, you have to.
you can.

wherever you go i will follow
behold! the horizon shines clear
the possible gleams like a city
together we've nothing to fear!
so speak with words bold and true
the message my heart speaks to you,
you won't be alone, i have promised
wherever you go, i'll be there.

pause.
i did it.





"kelly, that was great, but it was a little bit like . . . "
"like what?"
"well, like you were just saying words. like you weren't really thinking about it or something. i think it could be really beautiful if you just go with what moves you."

*sigh*

umm note to self, don't sing weddings one month before your own. just don't do it.

"it takes a whole village to raise a child."

i stood in my parent's dining room this morning before i left for work - crate and barrel boxes, tissue paper, rubbermaid . . .

and i remembered standing in our place after the michigan shower and looking at all of the platters, pots and towels . . .

and i was listening to our first dance song while i was driving to work, going over my to do list in my mind . . .

and i thought about all of the plans i had for the bundt pan and the blue towels . . .

and i got to thinking - it takes a village to raise a marriage.

we have been so nourished by the people around us, emotionally and spiritually - i've said it so many times, but ariel and i have the best friends in the whole world. and now, after both of our showers are said and done, so many of the staples of our home are gifts from people who love us. so many people have helped us build up our home to make it into what it is now - we could not have done it without any one of them, we really can't take the credit for it at all.

we are so blessed. i feel that the closer we get to our wedding day, the more and more the Lord has been pouring out His visible, physical blessings on us. and we are so undeserving - the Lord called us, gave us the grace to do His will, gave us the means, and is giving us everything that we need - and we have done nothing at all. it truly is through Him, with Him and in Him.

"and i said to myself
it doesn't get better than this
no, it doesn't get better than this.
but it did,
it did
oh it did."

it did, brad paisley


i bought my wedding band yesterday. it's just a plain band, that's just what i wanted. nothing too extravagant. it made me happy.

it got me thinking about the other things that make me happy lately;

sleep . . .
laughing . . .
good hair days . . .
low gas prices . . .
watching the sunrise from my office . . .



and then i started thinking about what is going to make me happy in another two months;

uniting my whole person to ariel . . .
waking up next to him every day . . .
trying to organize our stuff . . .
coming home to him every day . . .


another six months;

the possibility of babies . . .
our first married christmas . . .


another six months will be just over a year that we will have been married. maybe we'll have a baby, maybe we'll both be in shape, maybe we'll be able to take a crazy first anniversary trip - and even though right now i don't think it could get any better when i get more than four hours of sleep, i watch the office, my hair is amazing, i pay 3.15 for gas and i see a rocking sunrise - i know that it will. and i'm ready!


on a lighter note, i really can't wait until the wedding is over. i would be surprised if i go a week without getting my hair cut. it's just too much. i remember now why i don't ever let it grow this long. plus my head feels too heavy.

this at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.

that's what i thought when i saw ariel across the room at my very first bridal shower.

i haven't really come down from the adreneline and anxiety of that day. so i'll have to write about it later. but there are a few things that i have in mind.

my mom drove up with me, it made us both really peaceful that she could see our place. i know it's a huge sacrifice for her to have us living in michigan, especially because she thinks that we will be at ariel's parent's house all the time. don't worry, i tell her, i can't imagine that we'll have much time outside of our place for the first year or so anyway. =)

i really loved ariel this weekend. i was so tired, and he always suffers the short end of the stick when i'm tired - but he's so generous and understanding. i am constantly amazed at the experience of being loved by another person. i am convinced that there is nothing more fulfilling. i am already amazed at the power of this love that we have - i think the wedding is going to have more influence that we had originally thought.

i was also thinking about how i've only known our bible study friends for one year. i don't think i'll ever forget the first time that i met them, it was incredibly intimidating. but when they walked into the bridal shower on sunday, i've never been so happy to see all of them, just knowing that they were there made me feel 100% better.

we got some really great stuff. people were really generous.

i can't believe it's so close.

i hate original sin.

mostly because of what it does to people's bodies.

because, let's face it; death was not in God's original plan for us. it's unnatural. so all of the sickness that these patients experience due to the fact that they are dying is so painful to hear about.

i had a patient on the phone tonight that was 47 years old. he was dying of parkinsons. he was severely agitated and anxious, and a little bit delusional. i answered the phone.

'can i help you?'

'i just need to die. please, just let me die. no more medication, i don't want nurses, i don't want medication, i don't want doctors, just let me die. i just need to do it.'

*gulp*

sir, how are you feeling right now, what is going on? are you in pain? no, i just want to die. okay, are you experiencing some anxiety about dying? no, i just want to die. i need to die.

pause.

'i'll bet you're just so tired of suffering, huh?'

pause.

he started to cry.

heartwrenching.

'i'm so sorry, i can't imagine what you are going through. would you like me to send a chaplain or a social worker out to visit you tonight?'

'no.'

'are you alone?'

'yes.'

*sigh*

'well, i'm here all night until 8. so you're not really alone.'

he kind of laughed.

anything i can do to make him forget about it for one second.

this is the point in the conversation that i try my 'act like i've known you forever' tactic. works every time.

and it worked this time. after almost 30 mins (the second longest call i've taken in the two years i've been here) he calmed down, told me all about his high school reunion and his nephews and slowly his voice became quiet and he was falling asleep. 'okay, sir, i'm going to let you get some rest, if you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to call me back, my name is kelly and i'm here all night, okay?'

'kelly?'

'yes, sir?'

'thanks so much. goodnight.'

click.



two more hours until i can get some much needed rest.
one more day until i get to see my other half.
two more days until my first bridal shower.
and then, it's back to work monday at 12am.

wedding dress.
work.
brother.
procreation.



i went for a dress fitting yesterday. i love my wedding dress. it's perfect. it was just what i needed to get me through the week. at least, those were my thoughts when i was walking into the store with my mom.

enter the dressing room, put on bra and slip, call mom in to help me put on dress. step out onto platform. dress feels . . . . . .

loose.

after the first alterations are done, my mom could fit her whole hand down the back of it. *rolls eyes*

"are you sure it's altered right?"
"yeah, we took it in an inch at the corset."

i knew that i had lost weight. i was totally unaware of how much. so here's the dilemma; do i assume that i'm going to stay at 103 until the wedding and have the final alterations done, or do i try to pack on 10 lbs in a month and leave the alterations the way they are?

but i will say this, regardless that it was falling off, the transformation from regular every day scrubby kelly to cinderella is . . . . amazing. especially that it happens instantly.





most people who work nights gain weight because they eat to stay awake. but i lost weight. mostly because of stress, i don't eat when i'm stressed. and my job is stressing me out. great.





my older brother called this week. he's in seminary, so we don't get to talk to him very often, it's so exciting to hear his voice!

"good news and bad news."
"okay."
"good news - i'm being transferred to australia and new zealand! they're opening a school there and it's in foundation and i'm going to help with administration!

okay.

"bad news - i'm leaving the first week in august."
"why is that bad?"
"i won't get back until the second week in september. and i can't leave before that."

so.
he's not coming.
he's not coming to the wedding.
i haven't had time to cry about it yet.
or maybe i just don't have the energy at this point.
i just got pissed off.




babies . . . . . ariel said to me a couple of days ago, "do you realize that we could be pregnant three months from now?"

*gulp*




oh, and we received our first shower gift. wine glasses, pilsner glasses and a pitcher.

thrilling.
52 more days.

marriage.

if you were to ask me 5 years ago what i thought i would be doing on september 1, 2007, i'm not sure what i would have said. but it wouldn't have had anything to do with marriage.

i think that if i were to send an email to myself, to me 5 years ago, i would definitely discourage the haircut that i was about to get right before i went to college. i would remind myself not to judge other people. i would tell myself to walk away from that guy that says he's from jews for Jesus, he turns out to be more trouble than anything . . . yes, he is funny, but funny only gets you so far.

but the most important thing i would tell myself would be not to stress out too much about going to ave - when you pray and God awakens your conscience to His will, obey it and the rewards will be one hundred fold. people will give you crap for it, you'll second guess yourself every day, or at least every time that things aren't going so well - but it will all be worth it. go to michigan and live it up because God has some amazing things in mind for you there.

i never would have guessed that i would find such amazing friends there. i NEVER would have guessed that i would find my spouse there. i don't think i would ruin it for myself, i wouldn't have wanted to know, but in retrospect, it's absolutely amazing how things fell together. it's amazing how things were planned.


i want to fall more deeply in love with ariel.

i want to fall more deeply in love with Jesus.

and it's wonderful that i can love ariel and fall in love with Jesus. and i can love Jesus and fall in love with ariel.


ariel and i have been more like . . . us . . . . lately. we've actually been more like we were before we got engaged - laughing, sweet, patient - it's refreshing. funny how engagement changed the way we see each other. even funnier how much we love each other regardless and because of all of the baggage that we're both bringing to this marriage.

"lord Jesus, give me 24 hours of perserverance . . . "