lay my bones at the feet of the ministry
i need the guilt and the company
i need the chance to be judged
and then long forgotten

these bones, dashboard confessional


things are so different now that i'm having a baby. the girls at work keep saying, 'just wait until you have this baby, your whole life is going to change.' i haven't said it yet, i just let them give me their advice, but my whole life completely changed when i found out that i was pregnant, and continues to change more every single day.

i really miss ariel. he's been working so much, and when we are both at home, i'm so sick that i don't want to be touched or held, so we're basically like roommates. roommates who don't see each other often enough. i miss him.


man, do i love this baby. i mean, right now, i think i've come the closest i've ever come to understanding the love that God the Father has for us. and just to think, i'm just on the edge of it, i have a lifetime of understanding left to seek about that type of love.

to be honest, the whole puking and nausea thing, getting really old. but i was standing in the kitchen last night cooking some dinner and i turned around and pictured a little baby in a high chair with a bib on, cheerios on the tray, laughing and talking with me - i can't wait. but for right now, i really can't wait until this morning sickness is done. it's the worst. i haven't had a real meal in three weeks. i have literally been eating crackers and applesauce every single day for the past three weeks. until last night . . .

2 pieces of buttered toast
+1 serving of spagetti
----------------------------
a spagetti sandwich - and tears of joy because it was the best thing i've tasted in three weeks. =)

"every mother is like moses. she does not enter the promised land. she prepares a world within her that she will not see . . ."

- pope paul vi



i was completely unprepared for the amount of puking i would do during morning sickness. my mom never told me that she actually puked; she just told me about the nausea. my whole day is consumed by me either telling myself, 'don't puke. don't puke. don't puke.' or i'm just puking. it's pretty much the worst feeling i've ever had. and i feel really bad for ariel, because i'm such a boring person right now. but i think he might be secretly enjoying the fact that now i'm the one saying, 'let's just take a nap, let's not do anything.'

on the plus side, i was in disbelief that i was pregnant. needless to say, i believe it now. and i guess i would rather feel like crap than feel great because then i would worry. so keep those prayers coming.

"A Baby will make...Love Stronger, days s-h-o-r-t-e-r, nights L O N G E R, bankroll smaller, home HAPPIER, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future WORTH LIVING FOR."

things i'm excited to teach the baby;

1. relient k songs
2. the sign of the cross
3. thumb wars
4. peek-a-boo
5. how to do the dishes =)
6. the white girl dance
7. praise & worship songs
8. how to pick out a ripe tomato or pepper
9. love
10. how to make cookies

it came way to fast.

we only had two weeks of unadulterated bliss before it all began again. we knew it was coming, we were expecting to have to go through it all, just not so quickly.

my ob doc knew right away that mine was a high - risk pregnancy. so she referred us to speak with a genectic counselor from state. i just got home from there.

i went through the whole history, everything i could remember. every single detail that seems in my daily life to be normal. she wasn't overtly cold, she just wasn't very friendly. she didn't smile nearly enough, especially when you consider what kind of job she has. she asked me what i wanted to come of all of this; i started to cry. i told her i'm not expecting to be well, i'm not expecting to be pain free. i just want to know what it is that is making my body act this way.

she blew everything out the water that we had previously heard from other docs. it's not this, it couldn't be that. so we're back to square one. again.

she said, i know what it's like to come here with a certain diagnosis in your mind and then have me tell you it's something else. all i could think was, really? do you really know what that's like? have you ever sat across the table from people who can't promise you that everything is going to be okay?

so today i hate this physical world. i hate it that pain is a reality. i hate it that i get tired. i hate it that time works against us.

today the aesthetic and the spiritual are real, more than ever to me. because my body is failing, i can only rely on that which never fails me.

the baby's heart starts to beat this week; and now i'm looking for some symbolism in this being the week that begins mine and ariel's search for a diagnosis. . .

i can't believe i'm going to be a mom.

i've known about my little one growing inside of me for two days now, and so far, this is the most ecstatic experience i've ever had. i mean literally, it's ecstasy.

to think that from october 11th, 2007 until the rest of my life, there will never be a day when i don't think of him. or her.

to think that the baby's welfare depends on my choices.

to think that i don't really mind feeling like crap because it constantly reminds me of my new vocation.

to think that it already has a little soul that God loves just as much as He loves ariel and i. (ariel thought of that one!)

to think that ariel and i will be the first experience of God's love for our baby.

to think that the Holy Trinity found us worthy to imitate Them in their manner of loving and creating.




i have a feeling that there are many more blogs to come. =) but for now, please pray that everything goes well with the pregnancy.

so it's my first week at my new job.

my office has it all - a really heavy set lady who everyone depends on and is always sweating and who laughs easily. a tall guy who thinks he's a hotshot, and who uses phrases like, 'fabulous' and 'synergy' and looks like he stepped right off of a jcpenney catalog. a mean receptionist with a wardrobe and a haircut straight out of chicago the musical. an awkward skinny man who wears beatles t-shirts to work tucked into his high-waisted pants and who gets up to come talk to you even though you're the only two in the room. an elderly woman who has advice about everything and who wears her glasses on the top of her head like they're sunglasses.

it's alot of work - i'm sure i'll put in alot of overtme. but i beat out 127 other people for this job. and, because i'm at the same company, i know my way around more or less.

thumbs down for traffic on telegraph. lucky me, it's bumper to bumper on my way in to work and on my way home.

*sidenote* i'm on my second bag of halloween candy that i bought for trick-or-treaters. i've almost eaten all of it.

the success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not, it does not determine the value of what we have done.

mother teresa



i think i love ariel more every minute that i'm awake.

what a difference it has made to be with him every day, to see him in the morning and at night. i feel so lucky. it's so evident to me that he and i together are a completely new person. and i love it.

and i've been learning more about ariel. for example, if his drink has a straw, he sips out of the left side of his mouth. weird. and when we're watching tv, he always roots for the underdog. which currently is wayne newton on dancing with the stars.

he's also the strongest man i've ever met, and quite possibly the most loving.


on a lighter note, i love the fall. i'm excited that it's finally getting a bit chilly, that's my favorite kind of weather. ariel works alot this week, i won't see him wednesday or friday or saturday. but i just went home to chicago last weekend, so this weekend i'll stay here. maybe i'll read.